Love- AHHHH- wait- love and fear??

Ah, love...spring is in the air, love and hope abound...and...Wait, not for you? Really? Love- it's so confusing and complex. It's tough to have, hold, keep, and maintain. It's easier to just be alone- you know, simpler for everyone.

Hold it. Let's have a talk, me and you. There are some things I really want you to hear- not just listen to- but truly hear, devour, accept. And they are important.

You are loved. You are worthy of being loved. Right now, as you are reading this, considering leaving this page and not returning, you are more loved than you can imagine in a deeper way fathomable. That thing you feel in your throat is the desire to have this be truth and that doubt that has rested too long as truth popping up again. You-YOU- are being held and fully embraced, relentlessly pursued, and there are arms waiting to hold you and allow all those tears and feelings to flow forth until you are empty. This is true- and it's for you.

There is and undercurrent of evil and lies- and it beautifully masks itself as fear. Not the horror movie fear that goes away, the real life fear that we are not good enough. That what we were told, insinuated, or (not so) subtly hinted to is true and we will never be worthy of what we see others receiving. The soul mate who honors us and gives us a completion; the friend who knows everything about you- and loves you anyway; the opportunities to fulfill life's dreams and goals. Someone, somewhere, some time lied to you- but it sunk in where you feel it most, it's now deeper than sequoian roots, and it is the identity you carry around.  The toughest thing is believing through the lies. 

Fear is the bastard child in all of this. It's manifestations startle even our self in our actions, reactions, self defeating behavior and dark thoughts. I know- it's been my greatest cheering section in life. I need you to know- it is not real. Our fear is tangible in order to stop us from being our greatest- from coming to the purpose we were created for, from being ALIVE in life, from experiencing the unending, untold pleasures of this big world (made small by other people).

I have spent the vast majority of my precious Earth time denying love in most every form. I struggled, against myself and the universe, others who cared, mentors- I just plain struggled for many years. I dated,in long relationships, was engaged countless times, even got married- for a whole week. And I just could not do it. It finally dawned on me one day- I was the only common denominator in it all/ The "issue" was me. So, I set out to find me. I did not date anyone- no dinner, kissing, sex- nothing. I spent some time discovering me and my truths, the places I hurt, the lies I believed. There has never been a more crucial time in my life. I came out with a truth, clarity and solidity I had never possessed. I felt whole- a new, welcome reality.

From this, a rebirth of passions, goals and dreams resurfaced. I had given up the things I loved the most, choosing to believe that I was not worthy. I returned to vigorous workouts, reclaiming my body that had been raped. It was awesome- I can't recommend Crossfit enough- it's aggressive, result and goal driven. Then, wonder of wonders, I met Peter. Without going into too much, let's say our friendship developed over time- and then one day it was more.

Here's why I am telling you this: I now have the kindest, caring, funny, compassionate, fully engaged, honest man I have ever met- AND- he loves me unconditionally. He knows all of my ugly junk- and loves me anyway. He is friend, cheerleader, support, shoulder, partner in love, humanity, sharing, volunteering...He just is. I didn't want or expect this- there are days it still throws me off. I have never, not one relationship ever, been able to be fully me (and I am a lot of me), and love being with someone so much and share all of life.

And this is for you, too. Hear this, if nothing else: I had to love me first. I spent my first three decades offering what I didn't possess- and it doesn't work that way, the universe opposes it. You will not find it speed dating, bed hopping, in a bottle/pill/concoction, working out, working too much, perfection seeking, busyness, bar, dance floor...you will find it sitting still with yourself and making peace. When you do this, you will stab at the root of your fears, bring the dark lies into the light, get those voices from the past to quiet- and become full.

Life is here, eagerly awaiting you and your gifts. One step at a time, you inch into your purpose, and living takes over. I am here, waiting with outstretched hand and heart.