“Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma – which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of other’s opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.” - Steve Jobs
There has been so much happening, I feel as though I have been twirling about with little direction or focus on my goals and dreams. Not total focus, just the laser beam I began the year with. So, a few weeks ago, I took stock of my life as it stands and realized I had begun to cater decisions to the desires of others...hm. So, a few steps back and a hard look at what was driving it, me that is.
I think I mentioned in an early blog that I have known too much death in life- and this year has not proved to be an exception. In three months I have attended 5 funerals- two of those to friends under 40 who passed very unexpectedly. In addition, my friends have endured heartbreaking births and serious, life altering challenges with their children (every day- EVERY ONE- I pray a prayer of blessing, gratitude and protection over my own boys). This time of my life has found me journaling, praying, and questioning more than any other time before- and while I do not understand, I can say I seek God more than ever, am trusting His path, and find my faith at a height I never imagined possible.
A lifelong dream of mine is to own a restaurant/B&B. I had a taste of this years ago, to raving success, and have desired it increasingly since. Last year, I thought I was within reach of attaining my goal, only to have wool pulled over me (not just my eyes) in a very hurtful manner and lost my hope of this goal for a long time. I recently am exploding with my buried dream and desire, yet again, and thought I had the perfect opportunity, only to be deflated. And yet, for the first time, I feel greater hope and direction- and it doesn't make sense. Or, maybe it does.
I have a history of cervical cancer and had procedure after the premature birth of my youngest son, Solomon. Immediately following was a years worth of hormone treatment. Three weeks ago I went for my testing, two weeks ago I got the all clear. While I never acknowledged it, the waiting, weight gain, fear and confusion had cast a dark cloud over me. Combined with the financial loss and betrayal regarding my dream, I have lived in a dark place for more than what I want to admit. Not that I was without joy and hope, life always provides that, but it was certainly muted. The drive, passion and constant motivation I have prided myself on possessing was just not present. With one call, the veil lifted.
I love reading and have been fully engrossed in the Walter Isaacson biography of Steve Jobs- and read the quote above. He was not a very endearing man- he possessed nearly no redeeming qualities. He was prone to verbally abusing folks, being obsessively driven, not being a great father...Yet, after his second bout of cancer, he was asked ot give the commencement speect at Stanford, where my opening quote was found. At some point (even though he admittedly did not make major changes after returning from death's bed), life hit him. And this, my friends, is where I found myself two weeks ago. My passion, desire, focus and drive returned- and it broke me to know I was not pursuing the purpose within. At which point I also knew that I had been living and seeking for the value of others.
This print hangs in my living room and I look at it daily to remind myself that balance and strength are so delicate. I love that the woman in this (and other Pilson photos) is the bottom/core stability- it's where I reside in life. The unconventional (and sometimes controversial) portrayal reflect a steady truth in my life- that I serve as strength in a unlikely manner. I have, historically, vacillated between acceptance and struggling against this truth. I often want a partner beside me to take the occasional lead, hold me up, spend a day being the decision maker. But, there is always an answer to our desires and just today I was reminded of this passage: -4Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors. So don't try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way. 12Anyone who meets a testing challenge head-on and manages to stick it out is mighty fortunate. For such persons loyally in love with God, the reward is life and more life. (James 1, The Message).
I am encouraged by this. I believe all I have endured, even that self inflicted, is leading to greater rewards, blessings and clarity. As I reignite my passion on my dreams and focus on that which was driven away by fear, I feel a hope and freedom that I aborted prematurely. The life out loud (not conventional) I have been known for is exploding in volcanic fashion again. I trust that He will place within my path those who are to be beside me, give me a balance break, plan a fun night out. I feel grateful to be given my gifts, my children, my drive/passion/purpose/desire. I want to do as Steve Jobs spoke- but not as he lived.
