I'm still unlearning.
Recently much of my down time has been spent in a hospital bed. New problems, pains, diagnoses, test results. My truth- in words and emotions- is that I don't believe God created me for this. I am still so strong, driven, checking off lists day after day.
My knowledge and reality is- I've been scared shitless. And in my yet unlearned behavior, I've kept it secret.
Last year I had a hysterectomy- it was tough, I mourned- but it had to be done. It was followed by unfathomable pain and complications. Three months later, my body was acting pregnant, including lactation. Not quite what I had signed up for. And then again two months later.
And during another hospitalization that required scans, a LUMP was found. I had been having pain- but in truth, I live in pain daily. As of yet, there's no solution. I was ordered to have a mammogram, but I didn't- I was very done doing and dealing.
The LUMP grew, as did the pain...and I was leaking through two shirts a night. I still did nothing. Then, another hospital stay, and I was not the one i control, calling the shots.
A 3D mammogram was scheduled in two days. I told no one. Well, I told Gail, but I downplayed it- which means I lied. I lied to my best friend, my husband, friends on other continents, mentors, leaders. I lied to myself.
I was in pain- BIG pain. Something was happening in my boobs that shouldn't be. My blood levels were off, my blood pressure frighteningly low.
My plan was to take my youngest to school, get my tests done, finish my errands, and make followup calls. No. Big. Deal.
Except the morning of, I knew I couldn't- and was not supposed to- go alone. I casually asked Peter if he could drive, I'd not had sleep. He agreed, of course. He had no fucking clue.
While he was parking they took my vitals- still low BP and temp. This was not just a mammogram, it was a diagnostic, 3D- which was them followed by a hell-fire like ultrasound. FOUR- four doctors came in. The pain and swelling increased, I remained emotionless.
In my clinic, the women are treated with utmost respect, anonymity, and loving truth regardless the outcome. Which is to say Peter sat in the lobby, fully ignorant of what was happening.
In the end, after all was scored and explored- I- VERY GRATEFULLY- do not have breast cancer.
I went about my day, praying nonstop gratitude to God and His plans, but knowing I had to tell people, I had to BE the truth. I will live with the pain, I will continue checkups, I will follow the dispensed instructions and guidelines.
We went out to dinner, celebrating nothing.
And as we were leaving, I finally spilled the reality to Peter. t was terrible.And scary. And wildly unfair. And he forgives me, but not totally- who would? and how could they? I didn't cry, I honestly had so much relief and gratitude- and rosé with dinner.
I am still learning and unlearning. I still, without intention or forethought, art the ones I love the most- and it's primarily because trust is hard, truth is harder, and bearing pain and grief alone is what I feel best.
And I am a selfish, cancer-free, giving, loving, believing student.
