If you’re reading this, there’s a strong likelihood I owe you an apology. Before I expound, it’s important for me to me to clarify that this post is not to serve a collective or blanket “I’m sorry.” There is power and directive in face to face acknowledgement of wrongs, the voice of body language and eye contact, and the uninterrupted, raw reception of the impact of my actions. There is also no expectation or foregone conclusion of forgiveness or reconnection.
I’ve previously spoke and written about the crushing difficulties, abuse, and insecurities that defined my childhood. It’s also no secret that I adopted toxic coping mechanisms and resided too long in false security of lies and secrets. While the affect is long reaching and life altering, it does not serve to justify, excuse, or rationalize the poor treatment and hurt I’ve caused.
Around ten years ago, give or take, there occurred a slew of traumatic, all encompassing series of events that sent me into a downward spiral and left me a dramatically changed woman. I unexpectedly lost two people I loved fiercely and never mourned properly. I began experiencing debilitating migraines and neurological conditions that had me frequently hospitalized and on medicines with crippling side effects. I lost my very lucrative job and then I lost my house. My best friend was struggling in an abusive, controlling relationship after enduring a divorce from hell. I began experiencing severe anxiety and panic attacks and I stopped sleeping.
I made a visit to my physician after three days of no sleep and chest pains so severe I thought I was having a heart attack. I was told to increase my therapy visits and prescribed a medicine to reduce my anxiety and aid in my sleep. But it didn’t work. After five days of no sleep, I knew I needed help fast. I got my young boys cared for and began reaching out for help. I grabbed my anxiety meds and phone, sat on my couch and begin making phone calls. I was absolutely exhausted in every manner and was having a hard time connecting with friends. I took a few pills, prayed, and called a close friend out of state. He’s someone who knows me very well, I trust him completely, and knew I could be blatant in sharing my truth with him. What I did not realize in the moment was that I had dumped out the pills and began blindly taking them. As my friend was walking me through some grieving aids, my mind suddenly cleared. I had taken all the pills. I interrupted my caring friend to tell him they were gone. He thought I was talking about my boys and reminded me of where they were and that they were safe. And I told him, as I began floating and feeling unnaturally calm, that it was the medicine I was talking about. We both called 911 and I lost consciousness as medics arrived.
After being released from the hospital, I made a decision regarding my boys, my youngest in particular, that left me in a pit of shame, anger, fear, and doubt. I trusted someone who I shouldn’t have, I made an agreement I could not take back- and the impact on my son was heartbreaking.
I quit showing up for life. My solid faith was rocked. I retreated deeper into the dark poison of shame and fear. I would make plans and not show up. The places I was serving and leading were scrambling to fill the major holes I left without care or notice. Not only was I unreliable, I became deceptive because the truth of my actions were not something I could admit to. I could not forgive myself, the other person, or God. I became obsessive, controlling, demanding, drunk, and reactive. And it lasted until recently. I became tired of myself- the victim mentality, the lashing out, the bullshit patterns and day-to-day repetition of behaviors that left me empty and unsatisfied.
I lost friends and mentors, hurt so many good people, and grew as weary with myself as others had. After suicidal thoughts a year ago, I began pleading with God and desperately seeking wisdom, growth, and change. While I value the experiences and lessons from the past, I refuse to reside there and longer. I have a lot of amends to make, but there are already beautiful changes and grace filled healing. My joy, discipline, and confidence are returning. Through the radical, unconditional love of my husband, my walls are demolished, trust is winning, my head and heart are no longer veiled. There are remarkable people who have stayed by my side through it all, believing in me, loving me, encouraging me, valuing me. I have goals and purpose again, shared with my husband- my best friend, hero, leader, and partner. Cheers to the future and freedom of love.
