Rejection and the Christian Duplicity

Rejection- ouch. The memories that never depart. The driving force behind so many choices we make.

I am currently studying rejection from a Biblical/disciple aspect- the kind of study designed to help one understand, define, and overcome. And yet, still, the resonating sting of rejection is apparent daily.

We all want, at our core, to be known and accepted. We want to be vulnerable, transparent, honest- and loved anyway. The worth and value we come to place upon ourselves, and ultimately others, begins at conception- which is also when the battle with rejection begins.

I have lived a lot of life at my age- which I am proud of, for the most part. But reflected in this truth is the acknowledgement of the life I lived trying to be liked and accepted. And that isn't pretty. In dealing with rejection, many behaviors become alarmingly obvious in their glaring attempt to become more liked, loved, fit in...accepted.

For me, those behaviors were sometimes self harming, too. Unhealthy relationships with men I could fix, false friends, needy relatives. Seeking to numb through a drink, working out, keeping busy, even volunteering. Lying, manipulating others, imitating behaviors. Moving- over and over and over. Exhausting, all of it.

Here's what it's supposed to look like, right?

The issue with that is- we are human. Rejection hurts- hell, sometimes we are the objects of intentional harm at the claws and scratches rejection is all about. 

The greatest rejection I have endured in this life has been at the helm of those claiming to care the most: 

• the parent who, as a medical provider, blamed me for the rape I endured 
• the "best friend" who used me up, many times, until he "fell in love", stopped contacting me and-not only did I not get invited to the wedding, I never even met the bride
• the other "best friend" who I cared for unconditionally- even though I did not agree with her Swinger lifestyle- who, in jealousy, falsely accused me of inappropriate behavior and cut me off
• the well respected friend who wasn't right for the position I was offering, and after telling him so, cut off all communication, betrayed my trust and confidence
• the family members who have repeatedly lied to me, taken money and other items, cheered for my failings- yes, delighted in them even, betrayed myself and my children for years on end, and still expect me to "be there" when the need is greatest
• the over decade long abuse, rape, and molestation that was known- and not once stopped.

Just a few of life's greatest ouch moments. Why mention them? A few reasons: the greatest common factor in each of these instances- all of these folks claim to be Christian. All of these instances involve people I trusted with my most treasured life moments, thoughts, successes and failures. And they all reflect the deepest scars I wield. 

Undoing rejection takes so much time and devotion to face it over and over until it's conquered, laid to rest, and the strength intended is gleaned. So simple to type, an Everest effort and obstacle to execute. Yet, it can be done- and should be. On the other side, as with all great adventures, lies the truth and substance we are, in fact, designed for.

Purpose. 

I recently read Open by Andre Agassi and it is filled with his brilliant story of decisions made while under the oppression of fear and rejection. Incredibly powerful, this book. A few quotes knocked my heart and soul into gaping truth and openness:

  "...God isn't anything like your father...God is the opposite of your father. God isn't mad at you all the time. God isn't yelling in your ear, harping on your imperfections. That voice you hear all the time, that angry voice? That's not God."

“Andre, I won't ever try to change you, because I've never tried to change anybody. If I could change somebody, I'd change myself. But I know I can give you structure and a blueprint to achieve what you want. There's a difference between a plow horse and a racehorse. You don;t treat them the same. You hear all this talk about treating people equally, and I'm not sure equal means the same. As far as I'm concerned, you're a racehorse, and I'll always treat you accordingly. I'll be firm, but fair. I'll lead, never push. I'm not one of those people who expresses or articulates feelings very well, but from now on, just know this: It's on, man. It is on. You know what I'm saying? We're in a fight, and you can count on me until the last man is standing. Somewhere up there is a star with your name on it. I might not be able to help you find it, but I've got pretty strong shoulders, and you can stand on my shoulders while you're looking for that star. You hear? For as long as you want. Stand on my shoulders and reach, man. Reach.” 

“Hate brings me to my knees, love gets me on my feet.”

And this quote, of greatest impact:

“Remember this. Hold on to this. This is the only perfection there is, the perfection of helping others. This is the only thing we can do that has any lasting meaning. This is why we're here. To make each other feel safe.” 

In those few quotes I rediscovered the truth I have always carried, buried inside:  God is not man; those who truly care won't change us, but build us up and carry us; love wins; perfection is in doing for others. In that perfection is the defeat, eternally, of all fear and rejection. 

In my hurt, fear, and rejection, I have found and honed my purpose and calling. I have been blessed with a man, initially atheist, who loves me with unrelenting fervor, undoing the "Christian" lies. The truest best friend, Gail Stanforth, has never betrayed me, lied, or hurt me. She's propped me and held my hand when I didn't know that I could hold anything anymore. My family, while not biological, is real, strong, honest, and full of value and worth. My adventure are new, my perspective alive, future bright. 

It is for you, too.

Vulnerability, Self-Compassion, and the Tough Decisions

I have always loved this verse- it's been a prayer of mine for years to fully live and embrace it. And sometimes I do. But lately, I have been struggling, doubting, and my usually unshakeable faith has faltered.

I am a passionate lady- about everything I do.  Especially my boys. I have three boys, 13, 10, 4 and they are bigger than me. They have taught me life, heart work, fun, unconditional living. My two oldest have been enduring unfair, harsh, manipulative times- and it's a battle I decided to engage in. But, this system we have, the one that is supposed to correct and protect, is broken. Very. The result has not been pretty, either. They have had to endure worse times and treatment, tears and doubt. So, in loving my little boys, more than I love myself, I had to decide. What a tough corner to be in. 

I love Brene Brown and her remarkable work Daring Greatly. It's a new look at living in a manner traditionally considered weak. Dr. Brown examines the courage it takes to be vulnerable in this world of hardness, scarcity, and consumption. As I reread it this past week, it struck me the importance of being light to my boys- and trusting both myself as a mom and God as the ultimate source. I cried my way through each chapter, with the ever present knot of truth residing in my chest. 

Ultimately, through the very clear voice of my Father, I made the second toughest decision I have ever had to make- I showed up, vulnerably, and let go. I opened my hands and heart, trusted what I was being told and surrendered the immediate fight- knowing the greater plan would place me clearly back in the fighting arena in His time. Even with this, I struggle. I doubt myself and my choice. The voices in my head are harsh and vulgar. The self-compassion I normally reside in has been absent. It felt as though I was sacrificing my boys, giving up. As I was condemning myself, however, I stumbled across this quote "Sacrifice, in it's original Latin form, means to make sacred or to make holy. When we are fully engaged in parenting, regardless of how imperfect, vulnerable, or messy it is, we are creating something scared." (p238). And with that, I knew it was done. Parenting always means doing and being the best for our kids. It may not look like traditional choices, but it will always look like the best thing for their longterm hope, joy, and growth. 

I am a courageously strong woman, barreling through this world with much to offer, a passion that drives me, and a belief in a greater plan. I am always on the rise- so long as I stay away from shaming and blaming myself, and stop striving for perfection. He is good, my Father, and His promises don't fail. 

If You Talk Louder They Will Understand

I am stubborn. Hard headed. Obdurate. 

The thing about this is it blocks me from hearing and listening to God- and He's really wanting me to do that. In the inordinate amount of strength, perseverance, intelligence, and energy God has gifted me lies both my rock solid determination and my Achilles weakness. 

I am enduring tough times- I'm in a battle for the the greatest beliefs I stand on. It's been a beautiful mixture of humility, truth, emotions, and truth. The most beautiful of all, however, has been God's relentless pursuit of me- He's attention seeking, pursuing, and screaming at me. It's phenomenal. 

The past two days brought the intensity, the stakes were increased. I shut God out, and He was having none of it. Message after message, friends, lovers, acquaintances all bombarded me with the Words I needed to hear- and yet none had a clue. And I finally, I quit running, avoiding and numbing and listened. Man, He's a Force. 

A few messages He sent me: 

Most importantly, though, He sent this message: 

Les Brown writes-

 Forgive yourself and move on. Release the need to rehash, review or relive what you could have, should have or would have done. Instead, be aware of what you learned about yourself.

Look at what the situation showed you that you were unwilling to see. Forgive yourself...despite your choices, actions or inaction and in spite of your lack of knowledge or misplaced trust. There may be consequences and responsibilities that you must face.

Avoidance and denial are poor substitutes for decisive action. Stop swinging at yourself with a super-sized bat. Put it down, pick yourself up, dust yourself off and know this..you will learn to trust yourself again, despite what you may be feeling now. Be gentle on yourself. Choose to be stronger, wiser, more courageous, determined, and committed to living in the present and building a brighter future for yourself. Remember, you have something special. You have GREATNESS within you!!

And suddenly I was awake. See, I have to keep going and not be defeated- because my Truth is- IT IS NOT ABOUT ME. And I forget. We all do, because we are selfish. And human. 

I believe what my call and purpose are, and I believe the resistance is greatest when that is being fulfilled. Since I was a kid I have been a fighter. I am trained in martial arts and kickboxing- and I excel. Nothing is random. There is no coincidence. 

As i have gotten closer, stronger, bolder my fight has increased. And I believe it's how I know I'm doing the right thing. When I seem at my end and limit, I let go and gifts and favor increase. I believe in the power of vulnerability (read this http://www.amazon.com/Daring-Greatly-Courage-Vulnerable-Transforms-ebook/dp/B007P7HRS4) 

I know it's at odds with the world and it's teachings- and it's a bigger driving force for me. Tomorrow is a new day, a day I return to the ver things that make me stronger, healthier, livelier than most. The Way. 

The Challenge in Trusting

The problem with trusting God is the nonstop challenge to trust.

Moving, again!

Two years too long...

Two years ago I set out to blog about my journey of trusting God, making big changes, and living fearlessly. 

THEN- I got sick. And tired. And setback. And I kinda gave up. 

Life is tough, but I'm tougher. I'm back to blogging and so many things have changed. Please join me as I move Fearlessly Forward- again!

I'll share my journey to now, my ongoing awesome adventures in the nonprofit sector, MS, being mom, servant, wife, gardener, traveler, inspire-er, seeker, and life towards minimalism. <3 

LET'S GO!