Vulnerability, Self-Compassion, and the Tough Decisions

I have always loved this verse- it's been a prayer of mine for years to fully live and embrace it. And sometimes I do. But lately, I have been struggling, doubting, and my usually unshakeable faith has faltered.

I am a passionate lady- about everything I do.  Especially my boys. I have three boys, 13, 10, 4 and they are bigger than me. They have taught me life, heart work, fun, unconditional living. My two oldest have been enduring unfair, harsh, manipulative times- and it's a battle I decided to engage in. But, this system we have, the one that is supposed to correct and protect, is broken. Very. The result has not been pretty, either. They have had to endure worse times and treatment, tears and doubt. So, in loving my little boys, more than I love myself, I had to decide. What a tough corner to be in. 

I love Brene Brown and her remarkable work Daring Greatly. It's a new look at living in a manner traditionally considered weak. Dr. Brown examines the courage it takes to be vulnerable in this world of hardness, scarcity, and consumption. As I reread it this past week, it struck me the importance of being light to my boys- and trusting both myself as a mom and God as the ultimate source. I cried my way through each chapter, with the ever present knot of truth residing in my chest. 

Ultimately, through the very clear voice of my Father, I made the second toughest decision I have ever had to make- I showed up, vulnerably, and let go. I opened my hands and heart, trusted what I was being told and surrendered the immediate fight- knowing the greater plan would place me clearly back in the fighting arena in His time. Even with this, I struggle. I doubt myself and my choice. The voices in my head are harsh and vulgar. The self-compassion I normally reside in has been absent. It felt as though I was sacrificing my boys, giving up. As I was condemning myself, however, I stumbled across this quote "Sacrifice, in it's original Latin form, means to make sacred or to make holy. When we are fully engaged in parenting, regardless of how imperfect, vulnerable, or messy it is, we are creating something scared." (p238). And with that, I knew it was done. Parenting always means doing and being the best for our kids. It may not look like traditional choices, but it will always look like the best thing for their longterm hope, joy, and growth. 

I am a courageously strong woman, barreling through this world with much to offer, a passion that drives me, and a belief in a greater plan. I am always on the rise- so long as I stay away from shaming and blaming myself, and stop striving for perfection. He is good, my Father, and His promises don't fail.