Vulnerability, Self-Compassion, and the Tough Decisions

I have always loved this verse- it's been a prayer of mine for years to fully live and embrace it. And sometimes I do. But lately, I have been struggling, doubting, and my usually unshakeable faith has faltered.

I am a passionate lady- about everything I do.  Especially my boys. I have three boys, 13, 10, 4 and they are bigger than me. They have taught me life, heart work, fun, unconditional living. My two oldest have been enduring unfair, harsh, manipulative times- and it's a battle I decided to engage in. But, this system we have, the one that is supposed to correct and protect, is broken. Very. The result has not been pretty, either. They have had to endure worse times and treatment, tears and doubt. So, in loving my little boys, more than I love myself, I had to decide. What a tough corner to be in. 

I love Brene Brown and her remarkable work Daring Greatly. It's a new look at living in a manner traditionally considered weak. Dr. Brown examines the courage it takes to be vulnerable in this world of hardness, scarcity, and consumption. As I reread it this past week, it struck me the importance of being light to my boys- and trusting both myself as a mom and God as the ultimate source. I cried my way through each chapter, with the ever present knot of truth residing in my chest. 

Ultimately, through the very clear voice of my Father, I made the second toughest decision I have ever had to make- I showed up, vulnerably, and let go. I opened my hands and heart, trusted what I was being told and surrendered the immediate fight- knowing the greater plan would place me clearly back in the fighting arena in His time. Even with this, I struggle. I doubt myself and my choice. The voices in my head are harsh and vulgar. The self-compassion I normally reside in has been absent. It felt as though I was sacrificing my boys, giving up. As I was condemning myself, however, I stumbled across this quote "Sacrifice, in it's original Latin form, means to make sacred or to make holy. When we are fully engaged in parenting, regardless of how imperfect, vulnerable, or messy it is, we are creating something scared." (p238). And with that, I knew it was done. Parenting always means doing and being the best for our kids. It may not look like traditional choices, but it will always look like the best thing for their longterm hope, joy, and growth. 

I am a courageously strong woman, barreling through this world with much to offer, a passion that drives me, and a belief in a greater plan. I am always on the rise- so long as I stay away from shaming and blaming myself, and stop striving for perfection. He is good, my Father, and His promises don't fail. 

If You Talk Louder They Will Understand

I am stubborn. Hard headed. Obdurate. 

The thing about this is it blocks me from hearing and listening to God- and He's really wanting me to do that. In the inordinate amount of strength, perseverance, intelligence, and energy God has gifted me lies both my rock solid determination and my Achilles weakness. 

I am enduring tough times- I'm in a battle for the the greatest beliefs I stand on. It's been a beautiful mixture of humility, truth, emotions, and truth. The most beautiful of all, however, has been God's relentless pursuit of me- He's attention seeking, pursuing, and screaming at me. It's phenomenal. 

The past two days brought the intensity, the stakes were increased. I shut God out, and He was having none of it. Message after message, friends, lovers, acquaintances all bombarded me with the Words I needed to hear- and yet none had a clue. And I finally, I quit running, avoiding and numbing and listened. Man, He's a Force. 

A few messages He sent me: 

Most importantly, though, He sent this message: 

Les Brown writes-

 Forgive yourself and move on. Release the need to rehash, review or relive what you could have, should have or would have done. Instead, be aware of what you learned about yourself.

Look at what the situation showed you that you were unwilling to see. Forgive yourself...despite your choices, actions or inaction and in spite of your lack of knowledge or misplaced trust. There may be consequences and responsibilities that you must face.

Avoidance and denial are poor substitutes for decisive action. Stop swinging at yourself with a super-sized bat. Put it down, pick yourself up, dust yourself off and know this..you will learn to trust yourself again, despite what you may be feeling now. Be gentle on yourself. Choose to be stronger, wiser, more courageous, determined, and committed to living in the present and building a brighter future for yourself. Remember, you have something special. You have GREATNESS within you!!

And suddenly I was awake. See, I have to keep going and not be defeated- because my Truth is- IT IS NOT ABOUT ME. And I forget. We all do, because we are selfish. And human. 

I believe what my call and purpose are, and I believe the resistance is greatest when that is being fulfilled. Since I was a kid I have been a fighter. I am trained in martial arts and kickboxing- and I excel. Nothing is random. There is no coincidence. 

As i have gotten closer, stronger, bolder my fight has increased. And I believe it's how I know I'm doing the right thing. When I seem at my end and limit, I let go and gifts and favor increase. I believe in the power of vulnerability (read this http://www.amazon.com/Daring-Greatly-Courage-Vulnerable-Transforms-ebook/dp/B007P7HRS4) 

I know it's at odds with the world and it's teachings- and it's a bigger driving force for me. Tomorrow is a new day, a day I return to the ver things that make me stronger, healthier, livelier than most. The Way. 

The Challenge in Trusting

The problem with trusting God is the nonstop challenge to trust.