What Other People Think About You is None of Your Business

OOOOOF!! Kinda like a kick in the gut, yeah? But, really, it's the truth.
From my own experience I can tell you all too often the words and opinions of others hold too much import in our thoughts and beliefs of self. Frequently to our detriment.
We are made to connect, to have community, to live life with others. It's human to want to be liked and needed-but not everyone is going to like us, or want us, or need us (and is they do, there's something amiss).
People are tricky- they're human after all. We are all guilty of thoughtless words, actions, behaviors, etc, because WE are human, after all.
However...
If you are like me, human things can quickly turn to poison. I absorbed these into the cracks of my brokenness, creating a toxicity in my being, my soul. Festering, spilling over into already open raw wounds.
When I began to believe what others (who knew little or nothing about me) said, my behavior and identity began to change. Scar tissue was yanked off, old haunts refreshed.
Rejection. Abandonment. Insecurity. The monsters we all have inside triggered fear and feelings of inadequacy. yuck.
We all have bits of monster in us- a monster who has a beautiful heart and longs to be accepted and loved. Inside every person a bit of monster lingers- fearful that if others see the ALL of us certain aspects will not be accepted. And as so often happens, that tiny part that is rejected builds into bitterness, leading to an ugliness inside and out.
I stopped responding in kindness, building walls that blocked the light of bravery. And because my face hides nothing, my true feelings were exposed-fear, hurt, bitterness. The truth is no one-not even me- wanted (wants) to take that weight on. In trying to protect myself, I succeeded in repelling many people. This, in turn, began an exhausting cycle of believing lies about myself.
There's a song I love that expresses this much better. A line I relate to is this: "If I could let go, then I could change the world, but I can't stop always tearing myself down."(Blue October- Break Ground)     The most exhausting, destructive cycle. Top this with illness, a strong body breaking down, becoming bedridden...ugh
This truth remains:

And I live a life surrounded by these people. People who KNOW me, and love me anyway. They've seen the monster inside- me and themselves- and choose to love it, and me, and themselves. And they stay- with me, beside me- some since elementary school. How spectacular?!?!?!
I am grateful, beautiful, strong, loved, wanted, accepted. By them. By me.
Through it all, this guy wanted forever- with ME: 

                                                                                             

You are beautiful, worthy of love- receiving and giving. 

Choosing to Live. Choosing to Change

Not too long ago I sat in the most profound darkness I'd ever encountered. The bottom. The mire. I could not see. I could only hear the shrillness of lies. I was giving up.

I had a gun in my mouth, ready to end the hurt, emptiness, fear. On my third go-round, I pictured my son, who's already had so much to overcome at only eight, finding me dead and I knew I couldn't go this way. For the first time I cried.

I've been in pain. My diagnosis was downgraded. Scary things were happening in my body that I could not control. I spent over a month in bed. I've battled greatly with this disease- first in total denial, then pushing too hard and not bouncing back, on to a numbing phase, to suicidal tendencies, and finally to this place.

I decided to live. To make drastic changes. Allowing myself a year- to focus, to eliminate chaos with discipline, to write/blog/journal my prayers/experiences/journey, to share with others- shifting and directing my life into an adventure of an intentional, passionate, directed life as I'd never done before.

Beginning today, September 1, rules have been revised, goals have been rewritten, hope renewed, determination, trust, worth dusted off, made shiny again.

A year. to heal my body, mend relationships, surrender to God-hand it all over, dig into my marriage and the vows we spoke, build passionately into my calling and legacy. A year of walking into fear, of faithful living like I've not fully engaged in before. A year to document thoughts, actions, outcomes, results, accomplishments. A year of freedom.

Showing up. Being mom and wife. Discipline resolves chaos. Integrity. My word. New ID. Hanging on to the past. Daily workout. Wahl protocol.