Rejection and the Christian Duplicity

Rejection- ouch. The memories that never depart. The driving force behind so many choices we make.

I am currently studying rejection from a Biblical/disciple aspect- the kind of study designed to help one understand, define, and overcome. And yet, still, the resonating sting of rejection is apparent daily.

We all want, at our core, to be known and accepted. We want to be vulnerable, transparent, honest- and loved anyway. The worth and value we come to place upon ourselves, and ultimately others, begins at conception- which is also when the battle with rejection begins.

I have lived a lot of life at my age- which I am proud of, for the most part. But reflected in this truth is the acknowledgement of the life I lived trying to be liked and accepted. And that isn't pretty. In dealing with rejection, many behaviors become alarmingly obvious in their glaring attempt to become more liked, loved, fit in...accepted.

For me, those behaviors were sometimes self harming, too. Unhealthy relationships with men I could fix, false friends, needy relatives. Seeking to numb through a drink, working out, keeping busy, even volunteering. Lying, manipulating others, imitating behaviors. Moving- over and over and over. Exhausting, all of it.

Here's what it's supposed to look like, right?

The issue with that is- we are human. Rejection hurts- hell, sometimes we are the objects of intentional harm at the claws and scratches rejection is all about. 

The greatest rejection I have endured in this life has been at the helm of those claiming to care the most: 

• the parent who, as a medical provider, blamed me for the rape I endured 
• the "best friend" who used me up, many times, until he "fell in love", stopped contacting me and-not only did I not get invited to the wedding, I never even met the bride
• the other "best friend" who I cared for unconditionally- even though I did not agree with her Swinger lifestyle- who, in jealousy, falsely accused me of inappropriate behavior and cut me off
• the well respected friend who wasn't right for the position I was offering, and after telling him so, cut off all communication, betrayed my trust and confidence
• the family members who have repeatedly lied to me, taken money and other items, cheered for my failings- yes, delighted in them even, betrayed myself and my children for years on end, and still expect me to "be there" when the need is greatest
• the over decade long abuse, rape, and molestation that was known- and not once stopped.

Just a few of life's greatest ouch moments. Why mention them? A few reasons: the greatest common factor in each of these instances- all of these folks claim to be Christian. All of these instances involve people I trusted with my most treasured life moments, thoughts, successes and failures. And they all reflect the deepest scars I wield. 

Undoing rejection takes so much time and devotion to face it over and over until it's conquered, laid to rest, and the strength intended is gleaned. So simple to type, an Everest effort and obstacle to execute. Yet, it can be done- and should be. On the other side, as with all great adventures, lies the truth and substance we are, in fact, designed for.

Purpose. 

I recently read Open by Andre Agassi and it is filled with his brilliant story of decisions made while under the oppression of fear and rejection. Incredibly powerful, this book. A few quotes knocked my heart and soul into gaping truth and openness:

  "...God isn't anything like your father...God is the opposite of your father. God isn't mad at you all the time. God isn't yelling in your ear, harping on your imperfections. That voice you hear all the time, that angry voice? That's not God."

“Andre, I won't ever try to change you, because I've never tried to change anybody. If I could change somebody, I'd change myself. But I know I can give you structure and a blueprint to achieve what you want. There's a difference between a plow horse and a racehorse. You don;t treat them the same. You hear all this talk about treating people equally, and I'm not sure equal means the same. As far as I'm concerned, you're a racehorse, and I'll always treat you accordingly. I'll be firm, but fair. I'll lead, never push. I'm not one of those people who expresses or articulates feelings very well, but from now on, just know this: It's on, man. It is on. You know what I'm saying? We're in a fight, and you can count on me until the last man is standing. Somewhere up there is a star with your name on it. I might not be able to help you find it, but I've got pretty strong shoulders, and you can stand on my shoulders while you're looking for that star. You hear? For as long as you want. Stand on my shoulders and reach, man. Reach.” 

“Hate brings me to my knees, love gets me on my feet.”

And this quote, of greatest impact:

“Remember this. Hold on to this. This is the only perfection there is, the perfection of helping others. This is the only thing we can do that has any lasting meaning. This is why we're here. To make each other feel safe.” 

In those few quotes I rediscovered the truth I have always carried, buried inside:  God is not man; those who truly care won't change us, but build us up and carry us; love wins; perfection is in doing for others. In that perfection is the defeat, eternally, of all fear and rejection. 

In my hurt, fear, and rejection, I have found and honed my purpose and calling. I have been blessed with a man, initially atheist, who loves me with unrelenting fervor, undoing the "Christian" lies. The truest best friend, Gail Stanforth, has never betrayed me, lied, or hurt me. She's propped me and held my hand when I didn't know that I could hold anything anymore. My family, while not biological, is real, strong, honest, and full of value and worth. My adventure are new, my perspective alive, future bright. 

It is for you, too.

Vulnerability, Self-Compassion, and the Tough Decisions

I have always loved this verse- it's been a prayer of mine for years to fully live and embrace it. And sometimes I do. But lately, I have been struggling, doubting, and my usually unshakeable faith has faltered.

I am a passionate lady- about everything I do.  Especially my boys. I have three boys, 13, 10, 4 and they are bigger than me. They have taught me life, heart work, fun, unconditional living. My two oldest have been enduring unfair, harsh, manipulative times- and it's a battle I decided to engage in. But, this system we have, the one that is supposed to correct and protect, is broken. Very. The result has not been pretty, either. They have had to endure worse times and treatment, tears and doubt. So, in loving my little boys, more than I love myself, I had to decide. What a tough corner to be in. 

I love Brene Brown and her remarkable work Daring Greatly. It's a new look at living in a manner traditionally considered weak. Dr. Brown examines the courage it takes to be vulnerable in this world of hardness, scarcity, and consumption. As I reread it this past week, it struck me the importance of being light to my boys- and trusting both myself as a mom and God as the ultimate source. I cried my way through each chapter, with the ever present knot of truth residing in my chest. 

Ultimately, through the very clear voice of my Father, I made the second toughest decision I have ever had to make- I showed up, vulnerably, and let go. I opened my hands and heart, trusted what I was being told and surrendered the immediate fight- knowing the greater plan would place me clearly back in the fighting arena in His time. Even with this, I struggle. I doubt myself and my choice. The voices in my head are harsh and vulgar. The self-compassion I normally reside in has been absent. It felt as though I was sacrificing my boys, giving up. As I was condemning myself, however, I stumbled across this quote "Sacrifice, in it's original Latin form, means to make sacred or to make holy. When we are fully engaged in parenting, regardless of how imperfect, vulnerable, or messy it is, we are creating something scared." (p238). And with that, I knew it was done. Parenting always means doing and being the best for our kids. It may not look like traditional choices, but it will always look like the best thing for their longterm hope, joy, and growth. 

I am a courageously strong woman, barreling through this world with much to offer, a passion that drives me, and a belief in a greater plan. I am always on the rise- so long as I stay away from shaming and blaming myself, and stop striving for perfection. He is good, my Father, and His promises don't fail. 

If You Talk Louder They Will Understand

I am stubborn. Hard headed. Obdurate. 

The thing about this is it blocks me from hearing and listening to God- and He's really wanting me to do that. In the inordinate amount of strength, perseverance, intelligence, and energy God has gifted me lies both my rock solid determination and my Achilles weakness. 

I am enduring tough times- I'm in a battle for the the greatest beliefs I stand on. It's been a beautiful mixture of humility, truth, emotions, and truth. The most beautiful of all, however, has been God's relentless pursuit of me- He's attention seeking, pursuing, and screaming at me. It's phenomenal. 

The past two days brought the intensity, the stakes were increased. I shut God out, and He was having none of it. Message after message, friends, lovers, acquaintances all bombarded me with the Words I needed to hear- and yet none had a clue. And I finally, I quit running, avoiding and numbing and listened. Man, He's a Force. 

A few messages He sent me: 

Most importantly, though, He sent this message: 

Les Brown writes-

 Forgive yourself and move on. Release the need to rehash, review or relive what you could have, should have or would have done. Instead, be aware of what you learned about yourself.

Look at what the situation showed you that you were unwilling to see. Forgive yourself...despite your choices, actions or inaction and in spite of your lack of knowledge or misplaced trust. There may be consequences and responsibilities that you must face.

Avoidance and denial are poor substitutes for decisive action. Stop swinging at yourself with a super-sized bat. Put it down, pick yourself up, dust yourself off and know this..you will learn to trust yourself again, despite what you may be feeling now. Be gentle on yourself. Choose to be stronger, wiser, more courageous, determined, and committed to living in the present and building a brighter future for yourself. Remember, you have something special. You have GREATNESS within you!!

And suddenly I was awake. See, I have to keep going and not be defeated- because my Truth is- IT IS NOT ABOUT ME. And I forget. We all do, because we are selfish. And human. 

I believe what my call and purpose are, and I believe the resistance is greatest when that is being fulfilled. Since I was a kid I have been a fighter. I am trained in martial arts and kickboxing- and I excel. Nothing is random. There is no coincidence. 

As i have gotten closer, stronger, bolder my fight has increased. And I believe it's how I know I'm doing the right thing. When I seem at my end and limit, I let go and gifts and favor increase. I believe in the power of vulnerability (read this http://www.amazon.com/Daring-Greatly-Courage-Vulnerable-Transforms-ebook/dp/B007P7HRS4) 

I know it's at odds with the world and it's teachings- and it's a bigger driving force for me. Tomorrow is a new day, a day I return to the ver things that make me stronger, healthier, livelier than most. The Way. 

The Challenge in Trusting

The problem with trusting God is the nonstop challenge to trust.

Moving, again!

Two years too long...

Two years ago I set out to blog about my journey of trusting God, making big changes, and living fearlessly. 

THEN- I got sick. And tired. And setback. And I kinda gave up. 

Life is tough, but I'm tougher. I'm back to blogging and so many things have changed. Please join me as I move Fearlessly Forward- again!

I'll share my journey to now, my ongoing awesome adventures in the nonprofit sector, MS, being mom, servant, wife, gardener, traveler, inspire-er, seeker, and life towards minimalism. <3 

LET'S GO!

Live Before You Die

                                       The Struggle-Darwin Leon


“Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma – which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of other’s opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.” - Steve Jobs

There has been so much happening, I feel as though I have been twirling about with little direction or focus on my goals and dreams. Not total focus, just the laser beam I began the year with. So, a few weeks ago, I took stock of my life as it stands and realized I had begun to cater decisions to the desires of others...hm. So, a few steps back and a hard look at what was driving it, me that is.

I think I mentioned in an early blog that I have known too much death in life- and this year has not proved to be an exception. In three months I have attended 5 funerals- two of those to friends under 40 who passed very unexpectedly. In addition, my friends have endured heartbreaking births and serious, life altering challenges with their children (every day- EVERY ONE- I pray a prayer of blessing, gratitude and protection over my own boys). This time of my life has found me journaling, praying, and questioning more than any other time before- and while I do not understand, I can say I seek God more than ever, am trusting His path, and find my faith at a height I never imagined possible.

A lifelong dream of mine is to own a restaurant/B&B. I had a taste of this years ago, to raving success, and have desired it increasingly since. Last year, I thought I was within reach of attaining my goal, only to have wool pulled over me (not just my eyes) in a very hurtful manner and lost my hope of this goal for a long time. I recently am exploding with my buried dream and desire, yet again, and thought I had the perfect opportunity, only to be deflated. And yet, for the first time, I feel greater hope and direction- and it doesn't make sense. Or, maybe it does.

I have a history of cervical cancer and had procedure after the premature birth of my youngest son, Solomon. Immediately following was a years worth of hormone treatment. Three weeks ago I went for my testing, two weeks ago I got the all clear. While I never acknowledged it, the waiting, weight gain, fear and confusion had cast a dark cloud over me. Combined with the financial loss and betrayal regarding my dream, I have lived in a dark place for more than what I want to admit. Not that I was without joy and hope, life always provides that, but it was certainly muted. The drive, passion and constant motivation I have prided myself on possessing was just not present. With one call, the veil lifted.

I love reading and have been fully engrossed in the Walter Isaacson biography of Steve Jobs- and read the quote above. He was not a very endearing man- he possessed nearly no redeeming qualities. He was prone to verbally abusing folks, being obsessively driven, not being a great father...Yet, after his second bout of cancer, he was asked ot give the commencement speect at Stanford, where my opening quote was found. At some point (even though he admittedly did not make major changes after returning from death's bed), life hit him. And this, my friends, is where I found myself two weeks ago. My passion, desire, focus and drive returned- and it broke me to know I was not pursuing the purpose within. At which point I also knew that I had been living and seeking for the value of others.

This print hangs in my living room and I look at it daily to remind myself that balance and strength are so delicate. I love that the woman in this (and other Pilson photos) is the bottom/core stability- it's where I reside in life. The unconventional (and sometimes controversial) portrayal reflect a steady truth in my life- that I serve as strength in a unlikely manner. I have, historically, vacillated between acceptance and struggling against this truth. I often want a partner beside me to take the occasional lead, hold me up, spend a day being the decision maker. But, there is always an answer to our desires and just today I was reminded of this passage: ^-4Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors. So don't try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way. ¹²Anyone who meets a testing challenge head-on and manages to stick it out is mighty fortunate. For such persons loyally in love with God, the reward is life and more life.  (James 1, The Message). 

I am encouraged by this. I believe all I have endured, even that self inflicted, is leading to greater rewards, blessings and clarity. As I reignite my passion on my dreams and focus on that which was driven away by fear, I feel a hope and freedom that I aborted prematurely. The life out loud (not conventional) I have been known for is exploding in volcanic fashion again. I trust that He will place within my path those who are to be beside me, give me a balance break, plan a fun night out. I feel grateful to be given my gifts, my children, my drive/passion/purpose/desire. I want to do as Steve Jobs spoke- but not as he lived.

Love- AHHHH- wait- love and fear??

Ah, love...spring is in the air, love and hope abound...and...Wait, not for you? Really? Love- it's so confusing and complex. It's tough to have, hold, keep, and maintain. It's easier to just be alone- you know, simpler for everyone.

Hold it. Let's have a talk, me and you. There are some things I really want you to hear- not just listen to- but truly hear, devour, accept. And they are important.

You are loved. You are worthy of being loved. Right now, as you are reading this, considering leaving this page and not returning, you are more loved than you can imagine in a deeper way fathomable. That thing you feel in your throat is the desire to have this be truth and that doubt that has rested too long as truth popping up again. You-YOU- are being held and fully embraced, relentlessly pursued, and there are arms waiting to hold you and allow all those tears and feelings to flow forth until you are empty. This is true- and it's for you.

There is and undercurrent of evil and lies- and it beautifully masks itself as fear. Not the horror movie fear that goes away, the real life fear that we are not good enough. That what we were told, insinuated, or (not so) subtly hinted to is true and we will never be worthy of what we see others receiving. The soul mate who honors us and gives us a completion; the friend who knows everything about you- and loves you anyway; the opportunities to fulfill life's dreams and goals. Someone, somewhere, some time lied to you- but it sunk in where you feel it most, it's now deeper than sequoian roots, and it is the identity you carry around.  The toughest thing is believing through the lies. 

Fear is the bastard child in all of this. It's manifestations startle even our self in our actions, reactions, self defeating behavior and dark thoughts. I know- it's been my greatest cheering section in life. I need you to know- it is not real. Our fear is tangible in order to stop us from being our greatest- from coming to the purpose we were created for, from being ALIVE in life, from experiencing the unending, untold pleasures of this big world (made small by other people).

I have spent the vast majority of my precious Earth time denying love in most every form. I struggled, against myself and the universe, others who cared, mentors- I just plain struggled for many years. I dated,in long relationships, was engaged countless times, even got married- for a whole week. And I just could not do it. It finally dawned on me one day- I was the only common denominator in it all/ The "issue" was me. So, I set out to find me. I did not date anyone- no dinner, kissing, sex- nothing. I spent some time discovering me and my truths, the places I hurt, the lies I believed. There has never been a more crucial time in my life. I came out with a truth, clarity and solidity I had never possessed. I felt whole- a new, welcome reality.

From this, a rebirth of passions, goals and dreams resurfaced. I had given up the things I loved the most, choosing to believe that I was not worthy. I returned to vigorous workouts, reclaiming my body that had been raped. It was awesome- I can't recommend Crossfit enough- it's aggressive, result and goal driven. Then, wonder of wonders, I met Peter. Without going into too much, let's say our friendship developed over time- and then one day it was more.

Here's why I am telling you this: I now have the kindest, caring, funny, compassionate, fully engaged, honest man I have ever met- AND- he loves me unconditionally. He knows all of my ugly junk- and loves me anyway. He is friend, cheerleader, support, shoulder, partner in love, humanity, sharing, volunteering...He just is. I didn't want or expect this- there are days it still throws me off. I have never, not one relationship ever, been able to be fully me (and I am a lot of me), and love being with someone so much and share all of life.

And this is for you, too. Hear this, if nothing else: I had to love me first. I spent my first three decades offering what I didn't possess- and it doesn't work that way, the universe opposes it. You will not find it speed dating, bed hopping, in a bottle/pill/concoction, working out, working too much, perfection seeking, busyness, bar, dance floor...you will find it sitting still with yourself and making peace. When you do this, you will stab at the root of your fears, bring the dark lies into the light, get those voices from the past to quiet- and become full.

Life is here, eagerly awaiting you and your gifts. One step at a time, you inch into your purpose, and living takes over. I am here, waiting with outstretched hand and heart.