The Wordless Headstone

Time engraves our faces with all the tears we have not shed. -Natalie Clifford Barney, poet, playwright, and novelist (31 Oct 1876-1972) 

Allow me to preface this by stating that I know many of you are still waiting for Nepal ohs-has, views, and posts. These have been neither neglected nor forgotten. There are still some things I am personally wending, reflecting, processing,  and working through; but, more importantly, there's some very cool behind the scenes work in the making currently that we are not quite ready to let loose yet. So, please, forgive the delay. 

This post is about here, life in these United States. We've been under some weighted, pressing matters of late- and I...well, I a still trying to locate the big girl pants that allow me to adultly deal with such issues (I'm still looking, btw). 

By my own admission, I am not a crier. Not only am I not a crier, I am hardly an emotional-er at all. I desperately want to be heard, but then my voice gets shoved down. I really miss communicating with Peter, but in the end it seems nothing arises from me other than nods and grunts- attractive, no? And it's odd, because I currently have three journals going, I talk to my therapist, and always my best friend...and yet....

So, today, after therapy, and another evaluation for Solomon, I was kinda on the edge of some unidentified emotion. My plan was to drop off a few cards, run a couple errands, give my girlfriend in her own battle a hug, and head home. But, when I stopped to comfort my friend, out of my mouth jumped words, major words, and we were code talking around her kids in the dining room. 

And then. I. Was. Crying. Well, we both began crying. But wet things began to stream from my face. I could not complete thoughts or sentences, I'm sure I sounded like a buffoon, but I cried. 

I left soon after and came home to journal, and clean, but mostly journal. As I was reading, the featured quote came into my path and it stopped me. It's too true. My life has been challenging in every possible way- which is why emotions and tears don't come easy for me. The past few months have piled on difficulties of every nature- and I've held it all in, bravely (read:stupidly). 

It is not brave to withhold from those who love, support, encourage, bold into you, and hold you whey can't hold yourself. It's selfish. Everything held in becomes a permanent engraving/tattoo somewhere in our body. It takes a tool- on relationships and on the physical body. 

I'm learning. I doubt I'll turn into a tear factory anytime soon, but today's experiences touched me in many raw places I've been ignoring. 

My life is spent helping others, traveling the world, finding their needs, solving problems. My heart breaks for and goes out to them- I literally dump all of my being into these folks in need. But, I a a folk in need- and Peter, Alex, Jonah, Solomon, Gail, Natasha, the list is endless. 

It's time for me to stop ignoring the tenderness and embrace myself and those I love most.