Vulnerability, Self-Compassion, and the Tough Decisions

I have always loved this verse- it's been a prayer of mine for years to fully live and embrace it. And sometimes I do. But lately, I have been struggling, doubting, and my usually unshakeable faith has faltered.

I am a passionate lady- about everything I do.  Especially my boys. I have three boys, 13, 10, 4 and they are bigger than me. They have taught me life, heart work, fun, unconditional living. My two oldest have been enduring unfair, harsh, manipulative times- and it's a battle I decided to engage in. But, this system we have, the one that is supposed to correct and protect, is broken. Very. The result has not been pretty, either. They have had to endure worse times and treatment, tears and doubt. So, in loving my little boys, more than I love myself, I had to decide. What a tough corner to be in. 

I love Brene Brown and her remarkable work Daring Greatly. It's a new look at living in a manner traditionally considered weak. Dr. Brown examines the courage it takes to be vulnerable in this world of hardness, scarcity, and consumption. As I reread it this past week, it struck me the importance of being light to my boys- and trusting both myself as a mom and God as the ultimate source. I cried my way through each chapter, with the ever present knot of truth residing in my chest. 

Ultimately, through the very clear voice of my Father, I made the second toughest decision I have ever had to make- I showed up, vulnerably, and let go. I opened my hands and heart, trusted what I was being told and surrendered the immediate fight- knowing the greater plan would place me clearly back in the fighting arena in His time. Even with this, I struggle. I doubt myself and my choice. The voices in my head are harsh and vulgar. The self-compassion I normally reside in has been absent. It felt as though I was sacrificing my boys, giving up. As I was condemning myself, however, I stumbled across this quote "Sacrifice, in it's original Latin form, means to make sacred or to make holy. When we are fully engaged in parenting, regardless of how imperfect, vulnerable, or messy it is, we are creating something scared." (p238). And with that, I knew it was done. Parenting always means doing and being the best for our kids. It may not look like traditional choices, but it will always look like the best thing for their longterm hope, joy, and growth. 

I am a courageously strong woman, barreling through this world with much to offer, a passion that drives me, and a belief in a greater plan. I am always on the rise- so long as I stay away from shaming and blaming myself, and stop striving for perfection. He is good, my Father, and His promises don't fail. 

If You Talk Louder They Will Understand

I am stubborn. Hard headed. Obdurate. 

The thing about this is it blocks me from hearing and listening to God- and He's really wanting me to do that. In the inordinate amount of strength, perseverance, intelligence, and energy God has gifted me lies both my rock solid determination and my Achilles weakness. 

I am enduring tough times- I'm in a battle for the the greatest beliefs I stand on. It's been a beautiful mixture of humility, truth, emotions, and truth. The most beautiful of all, however, has been God's relentless pursuit of me- He's attention seeking, pursuing, and screaming at me. It's phenomenal. 

The past two days brought the intensity, the stakes were increased. I shut God out, and He was having none of it. Message after message, friends, lovers, acquaintances all bombarded me with the Words I needed to hear- and yet none had a clue. And I finally, I quit running, avoiding and numbing and listened. Man, He's a Force. 

A few messages He sent me: 

Most importantly, though, He sent this message: 

Les Brown writes-

 Forgive yourself and move on. Release the need to rehash, review or relive what you could have, should have or would have done. Instead, be aware of what you learned about yourself.

Look at what the situation showed you that you were unwilling to see. Forgive yourself...despite your choices, actions or inaction and in spite of your lack of knowledge or misplaced trust. There may be consequences and responsibilities that you must face.

Avoidance and denial are poor substitutes for decisive action. Stop swinging at yourself with a super-sized bat. Put it down, pick yourself up, dust yourself off and know this..you will learn to trust yourself again, despite what you may be feeling now. Be gentle on yourself. Choose to be stronger, wiser, more courageous, determined, and committed to living in the present and building a brighter future for yourself. Remember, you have something special. You have GREATNESS within you!!

And suddenly I was awake. See, I have to keep going and not be defeated- because my Truth is- IT IS NOT ABOUT ME. And I forget. We all do, because we are selfish. And human. 

I believe what my call and purpose are, and I believe the resistance is greatest when that is being fulfilled. Since I was a kid I have been a fighter. I am trained in martial arts and kickboxing- and I excel. Nothing is random. There is no coincidence. 

As i have gotten closer, stronger, bolder my fight has increased. And I believe it's how I know I'm doing the right thing. When I seem at my end and limit, I let go and gifts and favor increase. I believe in the power of vulnerability (read this http://www.amazon.com/Daring-Greatly-Courage-Vulnerable-Transforms-ebook/dp/B007P7HRS4) 

I know it's at odds with the world and it's teachings- and it's a bigger driving force for me. Tomorrow is a new day, a day I return to the ver things that make me stronger, healthier, livelier than most. The Way. 

The Challenge in Trusting

The problem with trusting God is the nonstop challenge to trust.

Moving, again!

Two years too long...

Two years ago I set out to blog about my journey of trusting God, making big changes, and living fearlessly. 

THEN- I got sick. And tired. And setback. And I kinda gave up. 

Life is tough, but I'm tougher. I'm back to blogging and so many things have changed. Please join me as I move Fearlessly Forward- again!

I'll share my journey to now, my ongoing awesome adventures in the nonprofit sector, MS, being mom, servant, wife, gardener, traveler, inspire-er, seeker, and life towards minimalism. <3 

LET'S GO!

Live Before You Die

                                       The Struggle-Darwin Leon


“Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma – which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of other’s opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.” - Steve Jobs

There has been so much happening, I feel as though I have been twirling about with little direction or focus on my goals and dreams. Not total focus, just the laser beam I began the year with. So, a few weeks ago, I took stock of my life as it stands and realized I had begun to cater decisions to the desires of others...hm. So, a few steps back and a hard look at what was driving it, me that is.

I think I mentioned in an early blog that I have known too much death in life- and this year has not proved to be an exception. In three months I have attended 5 funerals- two of those to friends under 40 who passed very unexpectedly. In addition, my friends have endured heartbreaking births and serious, life altering challenges with their children (every day- EVERY ONE- I pray a prayer of blessing, gratitude and protection over my own boys). This time of my life has found me journaling, praying, and questioning more than any other time before- and while I do not understand, I can say I seek God more than ever, am trusting His path, and find my faith at a height I never imagined possible.

A lifelong dream of mine is to own a restaurant/B&B. I had a taste of this years ago, to raving success, and have desired it increasingly since. Last year, I thought I was within reach of attaining my goal, only to have wool pulled over me (not just my eyes) in a very hurtful manner and lost my hope of this goal for a long time. I recently am exploding with my buried dream and desire, yet again, and thought I had the perfect opportunity, only to be deflated. And yet, for the first time, I feel greater hope and direction- and it doesn't make sense. Or, maybe it does.

I have a history of cervical cancer and had procedure after the premature birth of my youngest son, Solomon. Immediately following was a years worth of hormone treatment. Three weeks ago I went for my testing, two weeks ago I got the all clear. While I never acknowledged it, the waiting, weight gain, fear and confusion had cast a dark cloud over me. Combined with the financial loss and betrayal regarding my dream, I have lived in a dark place for more than what I want to admit. Not that I was without joy and hope, life always provides that, but it was certainly muted. The drive, passion and constant motivation I have prided myself on possessing was just not present. With one call, the veil lifted.

I love reading and have been fully engrossed in the Walter Isaacson biography of Steve Jobs- and read the quote above. He was not a very endearing man- he possessed nearly no redeeming qualities. He was prone to verbally abusing folks, being obsessively driven, not being a great father...Yet, after his second bout of cancer, he was asked ot give the commencement speect at Stanford, where my opening quote was found. At some point (even though he admittedly did not make major changes after returning from death's bed), life hit him. And this, my friends, is where I found myself two weeks ago. My passion, desire, focus and drive returned- and it broke me to know I was not pursuing the purpose within. At which point I also knew that I had been living and seeking for the value of others.

This print hangs in my living room and I look at it daily to remind myself that balance and strength are so delicate. I love that the woman in this (and other Pilson photos) is the bottom/core stability- it's where I reside in life. The unconventional (and sometimes controversial) portrayal reflect a steady truth in my life- that I serve as strength in a unlikely manner. I have, historically, vacillated between acceptance and struggling against this truth. I often want a partner beside me to take the occasional lead, hold me up, spend a day being the decision maker. But, there is always an answer to our desires and just today I was reminded of this passage: ^-4Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors. So don't try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way. ¹²Anyone who meets a testing challenge head-on and manages to stick it out is mighty fortunate. For such persons loyally in love with God, the reward is life and more life.  (James 1, The Message). 

I am encouraged by this. I believe all I have endured, even that self inflicted, is leading to greater rewards, blessings and clarity. As I reignite my passion on my dreams and focus on that which was driven away by fear, I feel a hope and freedom that I aborted prematurely. The life out loud (not conventional) I have been known for is exploding in volcanic fashion again. I trust that He will place within my path those who are to be beside me, give me a balance break, plan a fun night out. I feel grateful to be given my gifts, my children, my drive/passion/purpose/desire. I want to do as Steve Jobs spoke- but not as he lived.

Love- AHHHH- wait- love and fear??

Ah, love...spring is in the air, love and hope abound...and...Wait, not for you? Really? Love- it's so confusing and complex. It's tough to have, hold, keep, and maintain. It's easier to just be alone- you know, simpler for everyone.

Hold it. Let's have a talk, me and you. There are some things I really want you to hear- not just listen to- but truly hear, devour, accept. And they are important.

You are loved. You are worthy of being loved. Right now, as you are reading this, considering leaving this page and not returning, you are more loved than you can imagine in a deeper way fathomable. That thing you feel in your throat is the desire to have this be truth and that doubt that has rested too long as truth popping up again. You-YOU- are being held and fully embraced, relentlessly pursued, and there are arms waiting to hold you and allow all those tears and feelings to flow forth until you are empty. This is true- and it's for you.

There is and undercurrent of evil and lies- and it beautifully masks itself as fear. Not the horror movie fear that goes away, the real life fear that we are not good enough. That what we were told, insinuated, or (not so) subtly hinted to is true and we will never be worthy of what we see others receiving. The soul mate who honors us and gives us a completion; the friend who knows everything about you- and loves you anyway; the opportunities to fulfill life's dreams and goals. Someone, somewhere, some time lied to you- but it sunk in where you feel it most, it's now deeper than sequoian roots, and it is the identity you carry around.  The toughest thing is believing through the lies. 

Fear is the bastard child in all of this. It's manifestations startle even our self in our actions, reactions, self defeating behavior and dark thoughts. I know- it's been my greatest cheering section in life. I need you to know- it is not real. Our fear is tangible in order to stop us from being our greatest- from coming to the purpose we were created for, from being ALIVE in life, from experiencing the unending, untold pleasures of this big world (made small by other people).

I have spent the vast majority of my precious Earth time denying love in most every form. I struggled, against myself and the universe, others who cared, mentors- I just plain struggled for many years. I dated,in long relationships, was engaged countless times, even got married- for a whole week. And I just could not do it. It finally dawned on me one day- I was the only common denominator in it all/ The "issue" was me. So, I set out to find me. I did not date anyone- no dinner, kissing, sex- nothing. I spent some time discovering me and my truths, the places I hurt, the lies I believed. There has never been a more crucial time in my life. I came out with a truth, clarity and solidity I had never possessed. I felt whole- a new, welcome reality.

From this, a rebirth of passions, goals and dreams resurfaced. I had given up the things I loved the most, choosing to believe that I was not worthy. I returned to vigorous workouts, reclaiming my body that had been raped. It was awesome- I can't recommend Crossfit enough- it's aggressive, result and goal driven. Then, wonder of wonders, I met Peter. Without going into too much, let's say our friendship developed over time- and then one day it was more.

Here's why I am telling you this: I now have the kindest, caring, funny, compassionate, fully engaged, honest man I have ever met- AND- he loves me unconditionally. He knows all of my ugly junk- and loves me anyway. He is friend, cheerleader, support, shoulder, partner in love, humanity, sharing, volunteering...He just is. I didn't want or expect this- there are days it still throws me off. I have never, not one relationship ever, been able to be fully me (and I am a lot of me), and love being with someone so much and share all of life.

And this is for you, too. Hear this, if nothing else: I had to love me first. I spent my first three decades offering what I didn't possess- and it doesn't work that way, the universe opposes it. You will not find it speed dating, bed hopping, in a bottle/pill/concoction, working out, working too much, perfection seeking, busyness, bar, dance floor...you will find it sitting still with yourself and making peace. When you do this, you will stab at the root of your fears, bring the dark lies into the light, get those voices from the past to quiet- and become full.

Life is here, eagerly awaiting you and your gifts. One step at a time, you inch into your purpose, and living takes over. I am here, waiting with outstretched hand and heart.  

Lessons in Fear..well, maybe in blogging

It has taken me a long time to post this for a variety of reasons- including (hold your breath)- FEAR! :) Funny how things happen that catch us so off guard, eh? So, a few lessons in blogging...

If the decision is made to "put yourself out there"-folks have plenty to say- and not all of them are nice. Some "feedback" I have received includes:

* quit living in the past
*how is anyone going to grow from this
*why are you bothering to do this anyway
* when are you going to post again (I like this one :))

After many abruptly abandoned beginnings, here's where I am today:

I am happy. I do not live in my past- not a bit. I do carry forth what I should-it's protection, life lessons, better decision making, and it makes sense. Many people (especially women) have already had great take aways from my story and are making better sense of their own, I hold true and strong in that. I am bothering because too many other people don't- and we should.

We should give a shit, ya know? We should care that we have so much to offer and don't offer it freely so that others can benefit and grow.We should care that we have all been given unique gifts and experiences specifically designed to positively impact, influence, and alter those on our path.   We should stop caring about the all too frequently served judgment from others-many of whom we don't know.

And that's where I stand in strength right now...I know it's a cultural faux pas- but I have to say..I am not concerned if you don't like it. My concern is not in your level of comfort, or gossip, or what you think you know. In this area, I have earned the right to NOT give a shit- and I pray you all get here, too- it's a good place to be.

Let me explain. For years- most of them- my fear looked like a shattered mirror of shame, rejection, lies, manipulation...No image reflected back to me was whole. I wanted so much to be accepted, and I "utilized" all the fragmented shards that stabbed and hurt everyone- especially myself. I had no idea how to be honest, so I lied. Truth of any sort was such a distortion to me, for my life WAS a lie- living, breathing, feeding, growing. it all becomes one- the lies tangled in shame, rejection...there's no way, after a short while, to untangle them- not until the painstaking task of facing all of them head on happens- and my truth did not become unknotted until a few short years ago.

If you had any type of abuse- you very likely know exactly where all this comes from. And where it leads. Abuse of any form looks the same- molestation, rape, physical, emotional, mental- the combination of any leads to greater confusion (there's rarely only one). I did not deal well with mine, and all the fear ruled me for longer than I should admit- but my life is at a very different place.

Someone who I was last in contact with over 20 years ago sent me a pretty scathing email after reading my last blog, it was genuine surprise to read. it's an uncomfortable place to be when someone calls you to the table after so many years and I cycled through a plethora of emotions: shock, consternation,  humor, anger. I resolved in truth. Truth that I had hurt this person (whom I had truly cared about); truth that I was that person at that time- and for an enduring time after; truth that at that time, I could neither understand nor stop the snowball of my actions. Hard truth. And I responded in the same manner.

For a moment, after receiving that, I wanted to run back to my old behaviors, but I can't any longer. I stand strong in who I am now. For all the years I spent being abused in so many manners-for all the years (and money) I have spent healing and growing- for all the years I have fought hard for my truth to be free- going back is just not an option. We are human, and we can all change. And change is really damn scary.

 Change comes with terrifying paths that include- finding new friends, getting sober, making amends (GULP), establishing (and maintaining) boundaries, cutting out drama, getting in touch with God.

The biggest, and by far most difficult change, is making peace with ME. After all this time I love, honor, respect, care for and look after me. I build into friends who do the same- with care, accountability, laughter, honesty, trust- but mostly with unconditional love. On the path of yesteryears, I could never accept one of these things, let alone all. Today, I lose footing without  full inclusion.

Which brings me full circle. My story is important, it's one to be told. So is yours, and I want to hear it. I want to introduce you to all these wonderful people who bless and fulfill things I thought impossible to recoup. I want to sit around fires, talk about icing, laugh so much our abs ache the next day. I want to dance the night away, drenched in sweat, and enjoy lunch together midweek. Life is meant to live. It's meant to be shared, experienced, and accomplished together. I recently found this quote, and it's what I believe more than anything: "There is tremendous happiness in making others happy, despite our own situations.
Shared grief is half the sorrow, but happiness when shared, is doubled." *unknown

I want to apologize for the hurt I have caused- it was never my intention. I want grace for much I have done. But more than that, I want our stories to intersect. Our plots to spend some time on the same page in life so that we are richer, fuller and stronger in the next chapter. I am no longer that scared girl hiding the tangled past of lies. But I fully look forward to what comes next.

"When fear reigns, I can’t reveal who I am and I’m so concerned about protecting my goods that I’m afraid to give anything to you.

When God walks in, I lay down my fears; I give up my self-absorption. Jesus clears my fears by offering an uncommon safety to be me—to be real, to be sad, to be messed up and confused, yet, to be loved—and as that safety saturates the room, I can offer it to you because my faith in God is stronger than my faith in fear. God is stronger than my fear."

*from Grace Creates devotional 02/21/2012 Jon Walker