Lessons in Fear..well, maybe in blogging

It has taken me a long time to post this for a variety of reasons- including (hold your breath)- FEAR! :) Funny how things happen that catch us so off guard, eh? So, a few lessons in blogging...

If the decision is made to "put yourself out there"-folks have plenty to say- and not all of them are nice. Some "feedback" I have received includes:

* quit living in the past
*how is anyone going to grow from this
*why are you bothering to do this anyway
* when are you going to post again (I like this one :))

After many abruptly abandoned beginnings, here's where I am today:

I am happy. I do not live in my past- not a bit. I do carry forth what I should-it's protection, life lessons, better decision making, and it makes sense. Many people (especially women) have already had great take aways from my story and are making better sense of their own, I hold true and strong in that. I am bothering because too many other people don't- and we should.

We should give a shit, ya know? We should care that we have so much to offer and don't offer it freely so that others can benefit and grow.We should care that we have all been given unique gifts and experiences specifically designed to positively impact, influence, and alter those on our path.   We should stop caring about the all too frequently served judgment from others-many of whom we don't know.

And that's where I stand in strength right now...I know it's a cultural faux pas- but I have to say..I am not concerned if you don't like it. My concern is not in your level of comfort, or gossip, or what you think you know. In this area, I have earned the right to NOT give a shit- and I pray you all get here, too- it's a good place to be.

Let me explain. For years- most of them- my fear looked like a shattered mirror of shame, rejection, lies, manipulation...No image reflected back to me was whole. I wanted so much to be accepted, and I "utilized" all the fragmented shards that stabbed and hurt everyone- especially myself. I had no idea how to be honest, so I lied. Truth of any sort was such a distortion to me, for my life WAS a lie- living, breathing, feeding, growing. it all becomes one- the lies tangled in shame, rejection...there's no way, after a short while, to untangle them- not until the painstaking task of facing all of them head on happens- and my truth did not become unknotted until a few short years ago.

If you had any type of abuse- you very likely know exactly where all this comes from. And where it leads. Abuse of any form looks the same- molestation, rape, physical, emotional, mental- the combination of any leads to greater confusion (there's rarely only one). I did not deal well with mine, and all the fear ruled me for longer than I should admit- but my life is at a very different place.

Someone who I was last in contact with over 20 years ago sent me a pretty scathing email after reading my last blog, it was genuine surprise to read. it's an uncomfortable place to be when someone calls you to the table after so many years and I cycled through a plethora of emotions: shock, consternation,  humor, anger. I resolved in truth. Truth that I had hurt this person (whom I had truly cared about); truth that I was that person at that time- and for an enduring time after; truth that at that time, I could neither understand nor stop the snowball of my actions. Hard truth. And I responded in the same manner.

For a moment, after receiving that, I wanted to run back to my old behaviors, but I can't any longer. I stand strong in who I am now. For all the years I spent being abused in so many manners-for all the years (and money) I have spent healing and growing- for all the years I have fought hard for my truth to be free- going back is just not an option. We are human, and we can all change. And change is really damn scary.

 Change comes with terrifying paths that include- finding new friends, getting sober, making amends (GULP), establishing (and maintaining) boundaries, cutting out drama, getting in touch with God.

The biggest, and by far most difficult change, is making peace with ME. After all this time I love, honor, respect, care for and look after me. I build into friends who do the same- with care, accountability, laughter, honesty, trust- but mostly with unconditional love. On the path of yesteryears, I could never accept one of these things, let alone all. Today, I lose footing without  full inclusion.

Which brings me full circle. My story is important, it's one to be told. So is yours, and I want to hear it. I want to introduce you to all these wonderful people who bless and fulfill things I thought impossible to recoup. I want to sit around fires, talk about icing, laugh so much our abs ache the next day. I want to dance the night away, drenched in sweat, and enjoy lunch together midweek. Life is meant to live. It's meant to be shared, experienced, and accomplished together. I recently found this quote, and it's what I believe more than anything: "There is tremendous happiness in making others happy, despite our own situations.
Shared grief is half the sorrow, but happiness when shared, is doubled." *unknown

I want to apologize for the hurt I have caused- it was never my intention. I want grace for much I have done. But more than that, I want our stories to intersect. Our plots to spend some time on the same page in life so that we are richer, fuller and stronger in the next chapter. I am no longer that scared girl hiding the tangled past of lies. But I fully look forward to what comes next.

"When fear reigns, I can’t reveal who I am and I’m so concerned about protecting my goods that I’m afraid to give anything to you.

When God walks in, I lay down my fears; I give up my self-absorption. Jesus clears my fears by offering an uncommon safety to be me—to be real, to be sad, to be messed up and confused, yet, to be loved—and as that safety saturates the room, I can offer it to you because my faith in God is stronger than my faith in fear. God is stronger than my fear."

*from Grace Creates devotional 02/21/2012 Jon Walker