Live Before You Die

                                       The Struggle-Darwin Leon


“Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma – which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of other’s opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.” - Steve Jobs

There has been so much happening, I feel as though I have been twirling about with little direction or focus on my goals and dreams. Not total focus, just the laser beam I began the year with. So, a few weeks ago, I took stock of my life as it stands and realized I had begun to cater decisions to the desires of others...hm. So, a few steps back and a hard look at what was driving it, me that is.

I think I mentioned in an early blog that I have known too much death in life- and this year has not proved to be an exception. In three months I have attended 5 funerals- two of those to friends under 40 who passed very unexpectedly. In addition, my friends have endured heartbreaking births and serious, life altering challenges with their children (every day- EVERY ONE- I pray a prayer of blessing, gratitude and protection over my own boys). This time of my life has found me journaling, praying, and questioning more than any other time before- and while I do not understand, I can say I seek God more than ever, am trusting His path, and find my faith at a height I never imagined possible.

A lifelong dream of mine is to own a restaurant/B&B. I had a taste of this years ago, to raving success, and have desired it increasingly since. Last year, I thought I was within reach of attaining my goal, only to have wool pulled over me (not just my eyes) in a very hurtful manner and lost my hope of this goal for a long time. I recently am exploding with my buried dream and desire, yet again, and thought I had the perfect opportunity, only to be deflated. And yet, for the first time, I feel greater hope and direction- and it doesn't make sense. Or, maybe it does.

I have a history of cervical cancer and had procedure after the premature birth of my youngest son, Solomon. Immediately following was a years worth of hormone treatment. Three weeks ago I went for my testing, two weeks ago I got the all clear. While I never acknowledged it, the waiting, weight gain, fear and confusion had cast a dark cloud over me. Combined with the financial loss and betrayal regarding my dream, I have lived in a dark place for more than what I want to admit. Not that I was without joy and hope, life always provides that, but it was certainly muted. The drive, passion and constant motivation I have prided myself on possessing was just not present. With one call, the veil lifted.

I love reading and have been fully engrossed in the Walter Isaacson biography of Steve Jobs- and read the quote above. He was not a very endearing man- he possessed nearly no redeeming qualities. He was prone to verbally abusing folks, being obsessively driven, not being a great father...Yet, after his second bout of cancer, he was asked ot give the commencement speect at Stanford, where my opening quote was found. At some point (even though he admittedly did not make major changes after returning from death's bed), life hit him. And this, my friends, is where I found myself two weeks ago. My passion, desire, focus and drive returned- and it broke me to know I was not pursuing the purpose within. At which point I also knew that I had been living and seeking for the value of others.

This print hangs in my living room and I look at it daily to remind myself that balance and strength are so delicate. I love that the woman in this (and other Pilson photos) is the bottom/core stability- it's where I reside in life. The unconventional (and sometimes controversial) portrayal reflect a steady truth in my life- that I serve as strength in a unlikely manner. I have, historically, vacillated between acceptance and struggling against this truth. I often want a partner beside me to take the occasional lead, hold me up, spend a day being the decision maker. But, there is always an answer to our desires and just today I was reminded of this passage: ^-4Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors. So don't try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way. ¹²Anyone who meets a testing challenge head-on and manages to stick it out is mighty fortunate. For such persons loyally in love with God, the reward is life and more life.  (James 1, The Message). 

I am encouraged by this. I believe all I have endured, even that self inflicted, is leading to greater rewards, blessings and clarity. As I reignite my passion on my dreams and focus on that which was driven away by fear, I feel a hope and freedom that I aborted prematurely. The life out loud (not conventional) I have been known for is exploding in volcanic fashion again. I trust that He will place within my path those who are to be beside me, give me a balance break, plan a fun night out. I feel grateful to be given my gifts, my children, my drive/passion/purpose/desire. I want to do as Steve Jobs spoke- but not as he lived.

Love- AHHHH- wait- love and fear??

Ah, love...spring is in the air, love and hope abound...and...Wait, not for you? Really? Love- it's so confusing and complex. It's tough to have, hold, keep, and maintain. It's easier to just be alone- you know, simpler for everyone.

Hold it. Let's have a talk, me and you. There are some things I really want you to hear- not just listen to- but truly hear, devour, accept. And they are important.

You are loved. You are worthy of being loved. Right now, as you are reading this, considering leaving this page and not returning, you are more loved than you can imagine in a deeper way fathomable. That thing you feel in your throat is the desire to have this be truth and that doubt that has rested too long as truth popping up again. You-YOU- are being held and fully embraced, relentlessly pursued, and there are arms waiting to hold you and allow all those tears and feelings to flow forth until you are empty. This is true- and it's for you.

There is and undercurrent of evil and lies- and it beautifully masks itself as fear. Not the horror movie fear that goes away, the real life fear that we are not good enough. That what we were told, insinuated, or (not so) subtly hinted to is true and we will never be worthy of what we see others receiving. The soul mate who honors us and gives us a completion; the friend who knows everything about you- and loves you anyway; the opportunities to fulfill life's dreams and goals. Someone, somewhere, some time lied to you- but it sunk in where you feel it most, it's now deeper than sequoian roots, and it is the identity you carry around.  The toughest thing is believing through the lies. 

Fear is the bastard child in all of this. It's manifestations startle even our self in our actions, reactions, self defeating behavior and dark thoughts. I know- it's been my greatest cheering section in life. I need you to know- it is not real. Our fear is tangible in order to stop us from being our greatest- from coming to the purpose we were created for, from being ALIVE in life, from experiencing the unending, untold pleasures of this big world (made small by other people).

I have spent the vast majority of my precious Earth time denying love in most every form. I struggled, against myself and the universe, others who cared, mentors- I just plain struggled for many years. I dated,in long relationships, was engaged countless times, even got married- for a whole week. And I just could not do it. It finally dawned on me one day- I was the only common denominator in it all/ The "issue" was me. So, I set out to find me. I did not date anyone- no dinner, kissing, sex- nothing. I spent some time discovering me and my truths, the places I hurt, the lies I believed. There has never been a more crucial time in my life. I came out with a truth, clarity and solidity I had never possessed. I felt whole- a new, welcome reality.

From this, a rebirth of passions, goals and dreams resurfaced. I had given up the things I loved the most, choosing to believe that I was not worthy. I returned to vigorous workouts, reclaiming my body that had been raped. It was awesome- I can't recommend Crossfit enough- it's aggressive, result and goal driven. Then, wonder of wonders, I met Peter. Without going into too much, let's say our friendship developed over time- and then one day it was more.

Here's why I am telling you this: I now have the kindest, caring, funny, compassionate, fully engaged, honest man I have ever met- AND- he loves me unconditionally. He knows all of my ugly junk- and loves me anyway. He is friend, cheerleader, support, shoulder, partner in love, humanity, sharing, volunteering...He just is. I didn't want or expect this- there are days it still throws me off. I have never, not one relationship ever, been able to be fully me (and I am a lot of me), and love being with someone so much and share all of life.

And this is for you, too. Hear this, if nothing else: I had to love me first. I spent my first three decades offering what I didn't possess- and it doesn't work that way, the universe opposes it. You will not find it speed dating, bed hopping, in a bottle/pill/concoction, working out, working too much, perfection seeking, busyness, bar, dance floor...you will find it sitting still with yourself and making peace. When you do this, you will stab at the root of your fears, bring the dark lies into the light, get those voices from the past to quiet- and become full.

Life is here, eagerly awaiting you and your gifts. One step at a time, you inch into your purpose, and living takes over. I am here, waiting with outstretched hand and heart.  

Lessons in Fear..well, maybe in blogging

It has taken me a long time to post this for a variety of reasons- including (hold your breath)- FEAR! :) Funny how things happen that catch us so off guard, eh? So, a few lessons in blogging...

If the decision is made to "put yourself out there"-folks have plenty to say- and not all of them are nice. Some "feedback" I have received includes:

* quit living in the past
*how is anyone going to grow from this
*why are you bothering to do this anyway
* when are you going to post again (I like this one :))

After many abruptly abandoned beginnings, here's where I am today:

I am happy. I do not live in my past- not a bit. I do carry forth what I should-it's protection, life lessons, better decision making, and it makes sense. Many people (especially women) have already had great take aways from my story and are making better sense of their own, I hold true and strong in that. I am bothering because too many other people don't- and we should.

We should give a shit, ya know? We should care that we have so much to offer and don't offer it freely so that others can benefit and grow.We should care that we have all been given unique gifts and experiences specifically designed to positively impact, influence, and alter those on our path.   We should stop caring about the all too frequently served judgment from others-many of whom we don't know.

And that's where I stand in strength right now...I know it's a cultural faux pas- but I have to say..I am not concerned if you don't like it. My concern is not in your level of comfort, or gossip, or what you think you know. In this area, I have earned the right to NOT give a shit- and I pray you all get here, too- it's a good place to be.

Let me explain. For years- most of them- my fear looked like a shattered mirror of shame, rejection, lies, manipulation...No image reflected back to me was whole. I wanted so much to be accepted, and I "utilized" all the fragmented shards that stabbed and hurt everyone- especially myself. I had no idea how to be honest, so I lied. Truth of any sort was such a distortion to me, for my life WAS a lie- living, breathing, feeding, growing. it all becomes one- the lies tangled in shame, rejection...there's no way, after a short while, to untangle them- not until the painstaking task of facing all of them head on happens- and my truth did not become unknotted until a few short years ago.

If you had any type of abuse- you very likely know exactly where all this comes from. And where it leads. Abuse of any form looks the same- molestation, rape, physical, emotional, mental- the combination of any leads to greater confusion (there's rarely only one). I did not deal well with mine, and all the fear ruled me for longer than I should admit- but my life is at a very different place.

Someone who I was last in contact with over 20 years ago sent me a pretty scathing email after reading my last blog, it was genuine surprise to read. it's an uncomfortable place to be when someone calls you to the table after so many years and I cycled through a plethora of emotions: shock, consternation,  humor, anger. I resolved in truth. Truth that I had hurt this person (whom I had truly cared about); truth that I was that person at that time- and for an enduring time after; truth that at that time, I could neither understand nor stop the snowball of my actions. Hard truth. And I responded in the same manner.

For a moment, after receiving that, I wanted to run back to my old behaviors, but I can't any longer. I stand strong in who I am now. For all the years I spent being abused in so many manners-for all the years (and money) I have spent healing and growing- for all the years I have fought hard for my truth to be free- going back is just not an option. We are human, and we can all change. And change is really damn scary.

 Change comes with terrifying paths that include- finding new friends, getting sober, making amends (GULP), establishing (and maintaining) boundaries, cutting out drama, getting in touch with God.

The biggest, and by far most difficult change, is making peace with ME. After all this time I love, honor, respect, care for and look after me. I build into friends who do the same- with care, accountability, laughter, honesty, trust- but mostly with unconditional love. On the path of yesteryears, I could never accept one of these things, let alone all. Today, I lose footing without  full inclusion.

Which brings me full circle. My story is important, it's one to be told. So is yours, and I want to hear it. I want to introduce you to all these wonderful people who bless and fulfill things I thought impossible to recoup. I want to sit around fires, talk about icing, laugh so much our abs ache the next day. I want to dance the night away, drenched in sweat, and enjoy lunch together midweek. Life is meant to live. It's meant to be shared, experienced, and accomplished together. I recently found this quote, and it's what I believe more than anything: "There is tremendous happiness in making others happy, despite our own situations.
Shared grief is half the sorrow, but happiness when shared, is doubled." *unknown

I want to apologize for the hurt I have caused- it was never my intention. I want grace for much I have done. But more than that, I want our stories to intersect. Our plots to spend some time on the same page in life so that we are richer, fuller and stronger in the next chapter. I am no longer that scared girl hiding the tangled past of lies. But I fully look forward to what comes next.

"When fear reigns, I can’t reveal who I am and I’m so concerned about protecting my goods that I’m afraid to give anything to you.

When God walks in, I lay down my fears; I give up my self-absorption. Jesus clears my fears by offering an uncommon safety to be me—to be real, to be sad, to be messed up and confused, yet, to be loved—and as that safety saturates the room, I can offer it to you because my faith in God is stronger than my faith in fear. God is stronger than my fear."

*from Grace Creates devotional 02/21/2012 Jon Walker

Fear, food, - pictures of growth

Fear and failure don't make sense for growth; food does for obvious reasons. I contend the things that make the least sense are those where we are stretched the greatest (not to say the thinnest). So, what picture emerges? This is, so you know, what I have been asking myself- it's what allows a deeper, closer look into me and the scope of "what's next". 

Originally as this cruised through my mind and dreams, it was a painting- canvas, brush strokes, organized and thought out. But, that is not me. My life has not always been well thought out. It has certainly lacked the intentionality of deliberate image creation. Klimt, in 1909, painted this passionate painting (an all time favorite of mine): 

and, while I love this, it is not the image that would form from my life (well, expect the passion- I have that going for me;)). No, for me, I am much more this:

Jackson Pollock, Convergence 1952. Appropriate in so many way. This is my favorite painting of his- in name, visual appeal, and design. And this is the image that my life best resembles. It's beautiful, random, chaotic, and painful to some extent.  And so, so damn compelling. You want to look away, but you keep finding remarkable new patterns to look into.

So, what does this have to do with fear? I mean where the hell does fear come from-and how does it gain such a stronghold? Really- it isn't spiders, boogie men, or the dark. For me. The first splatters are rejection, guilt, jealousy and disgusting secrets. I suppose those things alone are really a masterpiece alone, but I am choosing to include everything that has brought me to here- so let's agree that my canvas is HUGE :)

**let me pause and digress just a minute here- my story is hard. I am not sharing anything here to :hurt another person, humiliate anyone, gain sympathy, or evoke pity. I am doing this for me to alter my course. I have been in therapy for a very long time and I have a healthy resolution for most of my life. If you are reading this, it is your choice-BUT, but, more importantly- You know someone who has endured, at least in one form or another, the same things I have. You do- and this may help you make sense of that person/persons. it may bring you to a place of forgiveness. You may finally make sense to yourself. Or you just like a good story :) end digression**

I am not going into gory detail now- I will certainly get specific over time. Rather, laying my own foundation out. Fear is deeply rooted. To conquer any fear, it requires fully facing it- and that requires excavation (dirty, laborious,labor intensive). It's also freedom- and freedom is a craving we all have. The desire for freedom rules me now- every action I take is on the path of chain breaking, mountain air breathing, downhill skiing freedom and exhilaration. It's freaking exciting.

And food?? What the hell??? Food ranks at the top of my passion list. Not in consumption, mind you. In making and serving. (more on this to come) I have never been rejected for my food. It a happy safe place. And I love it. Food brings people together, it heals the sick- physical and emotional, it eases the burden of those with too much to carry- through both death and new life. It's comfort, it's exciting, it's tempting, it's inspiring. As I have aged, my food has become more sophisticated and complex. Yet, as I have changed my intentionality, I have reverted often to simple, well known recipes (meatballs anyone ;)). I believe we are the same. We grow, become complex, sophisticated, our plates in life get full..and we crave to return to the comfort of childhood (where a lot of fear originates). Our journeys are so beautiful this way. We are pulled back, universally, to heal and reconcile. This is where I am- and I am excited!

So, now, today, looking forward. New goals- I left Crossfit a few months back to train for a figure competition- but I miss it. Beginning tomorrow morning, I return to Crossfit, working with someone I highly respect and trust to help me reach my health/fitness goals going forward http://crossfithustle.net as well as maintaining my figure training with some really, really awesome trainers  www.SweattShop.com (both in the greater Cincinnati area). I am also re-establishing the Elimination Diet http://​www.themagichundred.c​om I implemented at the beginning of the year- it changed me and my body- it's such a clean way to live. And for me, it's essential. I love wine- LOVE. But, I tend to use it in an unhealthy manner- and there just isn't place in this path for that right now.

One final thing for today- God lines us up in an incredible way to let us know He approves. Yesterday, at almost the exact same time I was posting my first blog, a friend I respect to the highest level posted this: http://www.facebook.com/messages/?action=read&tid=id.387922257890403#!/notes/phil-hueston/the-bridge-of-faith/10150558277293635 
It may not seem like a big deal, but Phil had not read my blog, had never before tagged me in a note, and is not someone I had shared my path with. I read it in tears, knowing that it was deemed so.

I hope this finds you all well. Happiest of Valentine's wishes to you. May love be the catalyst for all you do. A

Gaining ground, losing fear

On a vision board I made is this photo:

Over a year ago, I was going to start this blog...so, now I am doing it. I have found I tend to contradict myself, get frustrated, defeat myself and give up. I am no longer going to do this. I have an interesting, if sometimes difficult, journey. I believe God has an incredible, passionate, well planned purpose just for me- and I am finally at the place where I want to experience it- head on, full tilt. At 36, I suppose it's past time. But at 36, I finally have decided I am worth it. I hope you'll join me in this- to be honest I am scared. And that's a big deal for me- FEAR. I ahve been driven by fear for so long, that getting moving can be an ordeal. But, I have three incredible boys:

Jonah (L), Solomon, Alex (R)

they watch everything I do- and I see a lot of me in them-including some fear factors (not that terrible TV show). So, I have decided to face my fears, stop being a someday girl, and live up to my full potential. Being public about my journey adds some accountability, honesty and drive to see where my path goes. I am excited. Along the way, I will share my story, food (I love cooking, eating and hosting get togethers), and failures (there's a lot of those). Here we go!