Fear, food, - pictures of growth

Fear and failure don't make sense for growth; food does for obvious reasons. I contend the things that make the least sense are those where we are stretched the greatest (not to say the thinnest). So, what picture emerges? This is, so you know, what I have been asking myself- it's what allows a deeper, closer look into me and the scope of "what's next". 

Originally as this cruised through my mind and dreams, it was a painting- canvas, brush strokes, organized and thought out. But, that is not me. My life has not always been well thought out. It has certainly lacked the intentionality of deliberate image creation. Klimt, in 1909, painted this passionate painting (an all time favorite of mine): 

and, while I love this, it is not the image that would form from my life (well, expect the passion- I have that going for me;)). No, for me, I am much more this:

Jackson Pollock, Convergence 1952. Appropriate in so many way. This is my favorite painting of his- in name, visual appeal, and design. And this is the image that my life best resembles. It's beautiful, random, chaotic, and painful to some extent.  And so, so damn compelling. You want to look away, but you keep finding remarkable new patterns to look into.

So, what does this have to do with fear? I mean where the hell does fear come from-and how does it gain such a stronghold? Really- it isn't spiders, boogie men, or the dark. For me. The first splatters are rejection, guilt, jealousy and disgusting secrets. I suppose those things alone are really a masterpiece alone, but I am choosing to include everything that has brought me to here- so let's agree that my canvas is HUGE :)

**let me pause and digress just a minute here- my story is hard. I am not sharing anything here to :hurt another person, humiliate anyone, gain sympathy, or evoke pity. I am doing this for me to alter my course. I have been in therapy for a very long time and I have a healthy resolution for most of my life. If you are reading this, it is your choice-BUT, but, more importantly- You know someone who has endured, at least in one form or another, the same things I have. You do- and this may help you make sense of that person/persons. it may bring you to a place of forgiveness. You may finally make sense to yourself. Or you just like a good story :) end digression**

I am not going into gory detail now- I will certainly get specific over time. Rather, laying my own foundation out. Fear is deeply rooted. To conquer any fear, it requires fully facing it- and that requires excavation (dirty, laborious,labor intensive). It's also freedom- and freedom is a craving we all have. The desire for freedom rules me now- every action I take is on the path of chain breaking, mountain air breathing, downhill skiing freedom and exhilaration. It's freaking exciting.

And food?? What the hell??? Food ranks at the top of my passion list. Not in consumption, mind you. In making and serving. (more on this to come) I have never been rejected for my food. It a happy safe place. And I love it. Food brings people together, it heals the sick- physical and emotional, it eases the burden of those with too much to carry- through both death and new life. It's comfort, it's exciting, it's tempting, it's inspiring. As I have aged, my food has become more sophisticated and complex. Yet, as I have changed my intentionality, I have reverted often to simple, well known recipes (meatballs anyone ;)). I believe we are the same. We grow, become complex, sophisticated, our plates in life get full..and we crave to return to the comfort of childhood (where a lot of fear originates). Our journeys are so beautiful this way. We are pulled back, universally, to heal and reconcile. This is where I am- and I am excited!

So, now, today, looking forward. New goals- I left Crossfit a few months back to train for a figure competition- but I miss it. Beginning tomorrow morning, I return to Crossfit, working with someone I highly respect and trust to help me reach my health/fitness goals going forward http://crossfithustle.net as well as maintaining my figure training with some really, really awesome trainers  www.SweattShop.com (both in the greater Cincinnati area). I am also re-establishing the Elimination Diet http://​www.themagichundred.c​om I implemented at the beginning of the year- it changed me and my body- it's such a clean way to live. And for me, it's essential. I love wine- LOVE. But, I tend to use it in an unhealthy manner- and there just isn't place in this path for that right now.

One final thing for today- God lines us up in an incredible way to let us know He approves. Yesterday, at almost the exact same time I was posting my first blog, a friend I respect to the highest level posted this: http://www.facebook.com/messages/?action=read&tid=id.387922257890403#!/notes/phil-hueston/the-bridge-of-faith/10150558277293635 
It may not seem like a big deal, but Phil had not read my blog, had never before tagged me in a note, and is not someone I had shared my path with. I read it in tears, knowing that it was deemed so.

I hope this finds you all well. Happiest of Valentine's wishes to you. May love be the catalyst for all you do. A