It has taken me a long time to post this for a variety of reasons- including (hold your breath)- FEAR! :) Funny how things happen that catch us so off guard, eh? So, a few lessons in blogging...
If the decision is made to "put yourself out there"-folks have plenty to say- and not all of them are nice. Some "feedback" I have received includes:
* quit living in the past
*how is anyone going to grow from this
*why are you bothering to do this anyway
* when are you going to post again (I like this one :))
After many abruptly abandoned beginnings, here's where I am today:
I am happy. I do not live in my past- not a bit. I do carry forth what I should-it's protection, life lessons, better decision making, and it makes sense. Many people (especially women) have already had great take aways from my story and are making better sense of their own, I hold true and strong in that. I am bothering because too many other people don't- and we should.
We should give a shit, ya know? We should care that we have so much to offer and don't offer it freely so that others can benefit and grow.We should care that we have all been given unique gifts and experiences specifically designed to positively impact, influence, and alter those on our path. We should stop caring about the all too frequently served judgment from others-many of whom we don't know.
And that's where I stand in strength right now...I know it's a cultural faux pas- but I have to say..I am not concerned if you don't like it. My concern is not in your level of comfort, or gossip, or what you think you know. In this area, I have earned the right to NOT give a shit- and I pray you all get here, too- it's a good place to be.
Let me explain. For years- most of them- my fear looked like a shattered mirror of shame, rejection, lies, manipulation...No image reflected back to me was whole. I wanted so much to be accepted, and I "utilized" all the fragmented shards that stabbed and hurt everyone- especially myself. I had no idea how to be honest, so I lied. Truth of any sort was such a distortion to me, for my life WAS a lie- living, breathing, feeding, growing. it all becomes one- the lies tangled in shame, rejection...there's no way, after a short while, to untangle them- not until the painstaking task of facing all of them head on happens- and my truth did not become unknotted until a few short years ago.
If you had any type of abuse- you very likely know exactly where all this comes from. And where it leads. Abuse of any form looks the same- molestation, rape, physical, emotional, mental- the combination of any leads to greater confusion (there's rarely only one). I did not deal well with mine, and all the fear ruled me for longer than I should admit- but my life is at a very different place.
Someone who I was last in contact with over 20 years ago sent me a pretty scathing email after reading my last blog, it was genuine surprise to read. it's an uncomfortable place to be when someone calls you to the table after so many years and I cycled through a plethora of emotions: shock, consternation, humor, anger. I resolved in truth. Truth that I had hurt this person (whom I had truly cared about); truth that I was that person at that time- and for an enduring time after; truth that at that time, I could neither understand nor stop the snowball of my actions. Hard truth. And I responded in the same manner.
For a moment, after receiving that, I wanted to run back to my old behaviors, but I can't any longer. I stand strong in who I am now. For all the years I spent being abused in so many manners-for all the years (and money) I have spent healing and growing- for all the years I have fought hard for my truth to be free- going back is just not an option. We are human, and we can all change. And change is really damn scary.
Change comes with terrifying paths that include- finding new friends, getting sober, making amends (GULP), establishing (and maintaining) boundaries, cutting out drama, getting in touch with God.
The biggest, and by far most difficult change, is making peace with ME. After all this time I love, honor, respect, care for and look after me. I build into friends who do the same- with care, accountability, laughter, honesty, trust- but mostly with unconditional love. On the path of yesteryears, I could never accept one of these things, let alone all. Today, I lose footing without full inclusion.
Which brings me full circle. My story is important, it's one to be told. So is yours, and I want to hear it. I want to introduce you to all these wonderful people who bless and fulfill things I thought impossible to recoup. I want to sit around fires, talk about icing, laugh so much our abs ache the next day. I want to dance the night away, drenched in sweat, and enjoy lunch together midweek. Life is meant to live. It's meant to be shared, experienced, and accomplished together. I recently found this quote, and it's what I believe more than anything: "There is tremendous happiness in making others happy, despite our own situations.
Shared grief is half the sorrow, but happiness when shared, is doubled." *unknown
I want to apologize for the hurt I have caused- it was never my intention. I want grace for much I have done. But more than that, I want our stories to intersect. Our plots to spend some time on the same page in life so that we are richer, fuller and stronger in the next chapter. I am no longer that scared girl hiding the tangled past of lies. But I fully look forward to what comes next.
"When fear reigns, I can’t reveal who I am and I’m so concerned about
protecting my goods that I’m afraid to give anything to you.
When God walks in, I lay down my fears; I give up my self-absorption. Jesus
clears my fears by offering an uncommon safety to be me—to be real, to be sad,
to be messed up and confused, yet, to be loved—and as that safety saturates the
room, I can offer it to you because my faith in God is stronger than my faith in
fear. God is stronger than my fear."
*from Grace Creates devotional 02/21/2012 Jon Walker
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
Fear, food, - pictures of growth
Fear and failure don't make sense for growth; food does for obvious reasons. I contend the things that make the least sense are those where we are stretched the greatest (not to say the thinnest). So, what picture emerges? This is, so you know, what I have been asking myself- it's what allows a deeper, closer look into me and the scope of "what's next".
Originally as this cruised through my mind and dreams, it was a painting- canvas, brush strokes, organized and thought out. But, that is not me. My life has not always been well thought out. It has certainly lacked the intentionality of deliberate image creation. Klimt, in 1909, painted this passionate painting (an all time favorite of mine):
and, while I love this, it is not the image that would form from my life (well, expect the passion- I have that going for me;)). No, for me, I am much more this:
Jackson Pollock, Convergence 1952. Appropriate in so many way. This is my favorite painting of his- in name, visual appeal, and design. And this is the image that my life best resembles. It's beautiful, random, chaotic, and painful to some extent. And so, so damn compelling. You want to look away, but you keep finding remarkable new patterns to look into.
So, what does this have to do with fear? I mean where the hell does fear come from-and how does it gain such a stronghold? Really- it isn't spiders, boogie men, or the dark. For me. The first splatters are rejection, guilt, jealousy and disgusting secrets. I suppose those things alone are really a masterpiece alone, but I am choosing to include everything that has brought me to here- so let's agree that my canvas is HUGE :)
**let me pause and digress just a minute here- my story is hard. I am not sharing anything here to :hurt another person, humiliate anyone, gain sympathy, or evoke pity. I am doing this for me to alter my course. I have been in therapy for a very long time and I have a healthy resolution for most of my life. If you are reading this, it is your choice-BUT, but, more importantly- You know someone who has endured, at least in one form or another, the same things I have. You do- and this may help you make sense of that person/persons. it may bring you to a place of forgiveness. You may finally make sense to yourself. Or you just like a good story :) end digression**
I am not going into gory detail now- I will certainly get specific over time. Rather, laying my own foundation out. Fear is deeply rooted. To conquer any fear, it requires fully facing it- and that requires excavation (dirty, laborious,labor intensive). It's also freedom- and freedom is a craving we all have. The desire for freedom rules me now- every action I take is on the path of chain breaking, mountain air breathing, downhill skiing freedom and exhilaration. It's freaking exciting.
And food?? What the hell??? Food ranks at the top of my passion list. Not in consumption, mind you. In making and serving. (more on this to come) I have never been rejected for my food. It a happy safe place. And I love it. Food brings people together, it heals the sick- physical and emotional, it eases the burden of those with too much to carry- through both death and new life. It's comfort, it's exciting, it's tempting, it's inspiring. As I have aged, my food has become more sophisticated and complex. Yet, as I have changed my intentionality, I have reverted often to simple, well known recipes (meatballs anyone ;)). I believe we are the same. We grow, become complex, sophisticated, our plates in life get full..and we crave to return to the comfort of childhood (where a lot of fear originates). Our journeys are so beautiful this way. We are pulled back, universally, to heal and reconcile. This is where I am- and I am excited!
So, now, today, looking forward. New goals- I left Crossfit a few months back to train for a figure competition- but I miss it. Beginning tomorrow morning, I return to Crossfit, working with someone I highly respect and trust to help me reach my health/fitness goals going forward http://crossfithustle.net as well as maintaining my figure training with some really, really awesome trainers www.SweattShop.com (both in the greater Cincinnati area). I am also re-establishing the Elimination Diet http://www.themagichundred.com I implemented at the beginning of the year- it changed me and my body- it's such a clean way to live. And for me, it's essential. I love wine- LOVE. But, I tend to use it in an unhealthy manner- and there just isn't place in this path for that right now.
One final thing for today- God lines us up in an incredible way to let us know He approves. Yesterday, at almost the exact same time I was posting my first blog, a friend I respect to the highest level posted this: http://www.facebook.com/messages/?action=read&tid=id.387922257890403#!/notes/phil-hueston/the-bridge-of-faith/10150558277293635
It may not seem like a big deal, but Phil had not read my blog, had never before tagged me in a note, and is not someone I had shared my path with. I read it in tears, knowing that it was deemed so.
I hope this finds you all well. Happiest of Valentine's wishes to you. May love be the catalyst for all you do. A
So, what does this have to do with fear? I mean where the hell does fear come from-and how does it gain such a stronghold? Really- it isn't spiders, boogie men, or the dark. For me. The first splatters are rejection, guilt, jealousy and disgusting secrets. I suppose those things alone are really a masterpiece alone, but I am choosing to include everything that has brought me to here- so let's agree that my canvas is HUGE :)
**let me pause and digress just a minute here- my story is hard. I am not sharing anything here to :hurt another person, humiliate anyone, gain sympathy, or evoke pity. I am doing this for me to alter my course. I have been in therapy for a very long time and I have a healthy resolution for most of my life. If you are reading this, it is your choice-BUT, but, more importantly- You know someone who has endured, at least in one form or another, the same things I have. You do- and this may help you make sense of that person/persons. it may bring you to a place of forgiveness. You may finally make sense to yourself. Or you just like a good story :) end digression**
I am not going into gory detail now- I will certainly get specific over time. Rather, laying my own foundation out. Fear is deeply rooted. To conquer any fear, it requires fully facing it- and that requires excavation (dirty, laborious,labor intensive). It's also freedom- and freedom is a craving we all have. The desire for freedom rules me now- every action I take is on the path of chain breaking, mountain air breathing, downhill skiing freedom and exhilaration. It's freaking exciting.
And food?? What the hell??? Food ranks at the top of my passion list. Not in consumption, mind you. In making and serving. (more on this to come) I have never been rejected for my food. It a happy safe place. And I love it. Food brings people together, it heals the sick- physical and emotional, it eases the burden of those with too much to carry- through both death and new life. It's comfort, it's exciting, it's tempting, it's inspiring. As I have aged, my food has become more sophisticated and complex. Yet, as I have changed my intentionality, I have reverted often to simple, well known recipes (meatballs anyone ;)). I believe we are the same. We grow, become complex, sophisticated, our plates in life get full..and we crave to return to the comfort of childhood (where a lot of fear originates). Our journeys are so beautiful this way. We are pulled back, universally, to heal and reconcile. This is where I am- and I am excited!
So, now, today, looking forward. New goals- I left Crossfit a few months back to train for a figure competition- but I miss it. Beginning tomorrow morning, I return to Crossfit, working with someone I highly respect and trust to help me reach my health/fitness goals going forward http://crossfithustle.net as well as maintaining my figure training with some really, really awesome trainers www.SweattShop.com (both in the greater Cincinnati area). I am also re-establishing the Elimination Diet http://www.themagichundred.com I implemented at the beginning of the year- it changed me and my body- it's such a clean way to live. And for me, it's essential. I love wine- LOVE. But, I tend to use it in an unhealthy manner- and there just isn't place in this path for that right now.
One final thing for today- God lines us up in an incredible way to let us know He approves. Yesterday, at almost the exact same time I was posting my first blog, a friend I respect to the highest level posted this: http://www.facebook.com/messages/?action=read&tid=id.387922257890403#!/notes/phil-hueston/the-bridge-of-faith/10150558277293635
It may not seem like a big deal, but Phil had not read my blog, had never before tagged me in a note, and is not someone I had shared my path with. I read it in tears, knowing that it was deemed so.
I hope this finds you all well. Happiest of Valentine's wishes to you. May love be the catalyst for all you do. A
Monday, February 13, 2012
Gaining ground, losing fear
On a vision board I made is this photo:
Over a year ago, I was going to start this blog...so, now I am doing it. I have found I tend to contradict myself, get frustrated, defeat myself and give up. I am no longer going to do this. I have an interesting, if sometimes difficult, journey. I believe God has an incredible, passionate, well planned purpose just for me- and I am finally at the place where I want to experience it- head on, full tilt. At 36, I suppose it's past time. But at 36, I finally have decided I am worth it. I hope you'll join me in this- to be honest I am scared. And that's a big deal for me- FEAR. I ahve been driven by fear for so long, that getting moving can be an ordeal. But, I have three incredible boys:
Over a year ago, I was going to start this blog...so, now I am doing it. I have found I tend to contradict myself, get frustrated, defeat myself and give up. I am no longer going to do this. I have an interesting, if sometimes difficult, journey. I believe God has an incredible, passionate, well planned purpose just for me- and I am finally at the place where I want to experience it- head on, full tilt. At 36, I suppose it's past time. But at 36, I finally have decided I am worth it. I hope you'll join me in this- to be honest I am scared. And that's a big deal for me- FEAR. I ahve been driven by fear for so long, that getting moving can be an ordeal. But, I have three incredible boys:
Jonah (L), Solomon, Alex (R)
they watch everything I do- and I see a lot of me in them-including some fear factors (not that terrible TV show). So, I have decided to face my fears, stop being a someday girl, and live up to my full potential. Being public about my journey adds some accountability, honesty and drive to see where my path goes. I am excited. Along the way, I will share my story, food (I love cooking, eating and hosting get togethers), and failures (there's a lot of those). Here we go!
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