So many of my stories, experiences, and lessons are all about what not to do. Being strong, driven, and confident-for me- is often marred  by a need for control and demand. UGH.

One of the greatest- and best- exceptions to this is my marriage/husband. 

Less than a year ago we were on the brink of divorce. 

Peter and I met in a CrossFit box. At that place and time in my life I was intentionally single and focused on my kids, my businesses, and my fitness. Peter and I became friends, often workout partners, seeking similar goals. 

And one day. Everything was different. What began as a conversation about the pitfalls, demands, and challenges of dating- and how neither of us wanted to be married and he never wanted kids- ended with us in a relationship, marriage, kids. While it’s simple to type, the journey was anything but. 

Peter was functioning from a place of love, confidence, commitment. I was functioning from hardcore, debilitating fear. He drew closer, I pushed back. I did almost everything to push him away. I simply could not believe that he was real, true, and so honestly good. Nor did I believe, then, that I deserved such love from an incredible man. It was not pretty. 

My best friend saw truth and told me, in bold loving truth and assurance, how obvious it was that Peter was crazy about me and serious about our future. And one day it clicked. 

WE got married. 

Then, shit went haywire and sideways. Quickly we were faced with BIG challenges- custody challenges, my MS diagnosis and rapid decline, Solomon’s ongoing health issues, and more. IT. WAS. HARD. 

While we fought some battles together, Peter bore the brunt of the weight for everything- becoming full time employee, dad, caregiver- everything, really. My illness was made worse when I fell into depression. My husband never relented in his willingness and desire to give, care, and DO all that was necessary. I’m still humbled. 

Earlier this year, after fighting so hard, relearning all basic life skills, endless hospitalizations, therapies, meds, etc, my MS had progressed and began affecting my respiratory system- leading to more complications, doctors, specialists, treatments…and I lost my mind, spirit and will. I began shutting my family out, became self-destructive and suicidal. I won’t go into further detail, but suffice it to say, I gave up and gave in. Peter and I became distanced, lost. And we both were tired, worn out, and communication broke down. We talked of divorce. 

And still. He was there for me for everything, always. Interesting enough, we both spoke to friends and mentors during this time and without fail every person urged us to fight for it. Literally everyone said it was obvious how much we loved, cared for, admired and respected each other. 

After one terrifying day where I held a gun ready to end my life, I made the decision to give myself a year to live. To really focus on my health, my family, to trust God, make changes. 

And here we are. Stronger and closer than ever. Meeting goals. Connecting on every level. Peaceful. Joy filled. Together more than ever. I love this man. He’s everything I wanted and prayed about, but never believed I deserved. It’s good. So, so, good. And I’m grateful.