Beginning an adventure

I absolutely LOVE adventure. For as long as I can remember, I've been a wanderlust, a seeker, a lover of things new, different. Bold experiences. I've traveled everywhere-nationally and internationally- alone, for the most part. I am not a tourist, however. I prefer to be away from common sites and areas. I seek the culture of my destination. Personal spaces and kitchen. Hole-in-the-wall dives of the best foot around.  I like meeting mew friends and getting dirty in the space by serving- it's my heart, purpose, passion.

Nepal is a place that I've wanted to be, and prayed about, for over 20 years. I've read and studied about it, looked at who knows how many pictures, consumed for hours the stories my friends have shared. I've had other opportunities that either didn't seem right or would fall through. It's an area where I have deliberately been patient.

The last few years have been years of faith for me. Listening, Trusting, believing, obeying. Taking care of my kids and their needs and challenges. Taking care of my health and new battles. It's all been well worth it, if at times exceedingly difficult.

So, to get an invitation to travel to Nepal with one of my NGO partners, and close friends, was truly unreal. I said yes, then I prayed, then talked to my husband. Things looked rocky- maybe it wasn't going to work out this time- and I was good with it! Calm, knowing that a promise was coming to fulfillment. We sought financial support and donations- which were answered in a huge way!! All dreamlike. Beautiful. And then- IT WAS HERE!! Time to leave.

Because I booked my flight after my friends, I left before and will arrive after them. My flight was to leave early on a Tuesday morning in November- Cincinnati to Chicago to Abu Dhabi to Kathmandu. Very simple. Flying a new airline with incredible reviews (Etihad). I had not slept for days before, but was determined to makeup for that on the long flight to Abu Dhabi.

On my first leg, I saw this gorgeous little girl. She was bright, being silly, enjoying the time. I grabbed a coffee, chatted with my oldest sister, and enjoyed watching this little girl play wholeheartedly at such an early hour. In Chicago, while catching the train to the international terminal, I ran into the same family. They had overheard me talking and asked if I was headed to Kathmandu- yes. They are Nepalese living in Cincinnati headed home for two months. So kind and willing to share places to visit, things to explore on my stay. More on this family later.

Waiting was brief before boarding to Abu Dhabi. I sat in my wonderful window seat, getting everything just right, taking in the other passengers, and the couture feel of the attendants uniforms. At the last minute, the seats beside me filled with an older Indian couple. I had taken my sweater off, which revealed my therapy tape, and this opened up a conversation about my shared medical condition with the husband. For the remainder of the flight we chatted, shared items, and got along incredibly well. It was a blessing, for sure.

Here, allow me to pause and fully appreciate Etihad Airlines. Service like no other. Meals fresh and very tasty, wine and drinks included, snacks, coffee, water. I have never before been full from flying- and it was phenomenal. Every need was met with kindness, every service standard well exceeded. I could not think of a better way to begin a lifetime journey.

Flying into Abu Dhabi was breathtaking. The landscape below was versatile, vibrant in color, unexpected offerings. The airport itself was gorgeous, bright, spacious and welcoming. I was able to relax for a bit, catchup on a few things before boarding our final leg- to Nepal!! The views flying out are even more remarkable than those flying in:



Although only four hours, there was yet another full meal service- this one I could not finish. After things calmed down, I ran to the back and asked the attendants for a drink, which began yet another remarkable conversation. For an hour I stood in the galley getting to know these airline attendants, where they were from, their likes and dislikes- and, unfortunately- their newfound fears over the election of Donald Trump as president of the U.S. It was heartbreaking, and eyeopening. I felt honored that they shared so much with me, and enhanced an already incredible experience.

One of the greatest joys I had for this trip is that we are staying with a family who are friends. To be so well accommodated, to be shown around by such amazing people, to be cared for so well is beyond words. I knew I would be greeted with love the moment I stepped off the plane. The only trouble was- my phone was not working and I had no idea where to meet them! Remember that family I mentioned earlier? They took me under their wing, helped me locate my luggage, and was going to bring me home with them until I was able to locate Saroj- and I was so relieved and grateful. This kindness was genuine and overwhelming for an exhausted American. We got through customs, out the door, and what do I see?

When we got home, I was greeted as family. The night and day were overflowing. I had a bed ready, tea was made, and it was like I'd been known my whole life. Had the journey ended there, it would have been complete. Fortunately, it didn't.

Before Nepal...

I have hesitated weighing in on the US election. However, after reading posts, articles, and friend's personal accounts since the outcome, I thought I would share my own thoughts here.

As a Christ follower, American, and mission driven woman, I have always exercised my right to vote. It's a right not all have, a right women fought long and hard for, a right that can ultimately make changes- possibly. On the same side of that coin, however, is my very deep and personal belief that we live in a system of fallen and broken people, and my ultimate trust is not in any government, rather solely in God and His plans.

This election, more than any I've ever witnessed, has left a greater, deeper brokenness than I think most of us realized existed. It's polarized everyone regardless of economic status, gender, race, political party. There's a fear and hurt evoked, a tangible guardedness. Friends who I love and admire have made statements I never thought capable of escaping their mouths. Disrespect and vitriol are the norm, it seems. It's sad, very much so.

Here's the tough thing for me to comprehend- we are still who we were before we cast a ballot, right? I mean, in exercising our right to vote for who we personally believed was best to carry our nation for the next four years, did something inherently change about our character and core being? Because that's how we are treating one another. What happened to respecting and honoring differences, because that's who we are. Even the best of friends have differences in opinions, ins't that what makes us humans? What has happened that we are suddenly cast as a lump of human snotballs based only on who we voted for?

Entering the election, I held the same beliefs I do now. My vote is always for humans, for freedoms, for truth, for community, for helping, healing, equality. LOVE- my vote is always for love. And this election seems to have removed LOVE from the equation. A division foretold.

I've watched all of this play out from the very beautiful, peaceful, deep community of Nepal. And from this distance, 8,000 miles, I am hurting for so many and praying nonstop. We cannot change the election results, and frankly we created this- by choosing both candidates more than once. If we don't like the results, let's change ourselves. Let us be the one who stands up for the the wrongs we feel have happened. Let us lean further into our community, you know the folks you just loved and embraced a week ago? Let us direct our kids and family on WHY we feel what we feel and make a difference for the future. My friend posted this, and I love it:  


There's more to all of us than a ballot we cast. Let's go back to that, see what comes next before we knee jerk ourselves into lost friendships and bitterness. Let's remember the importance of acceptance and love.

I'm not the best blogger

I began blogging with great intention and focus on my journey- one that I consider remarkable and others consider incredible. And I love writing and sharing, but I have discovered I am not the best blogger. As I sit here, at this moment, in Nepal, with time to reflect on my journey here, the I realize this trip is the physical manifestation of why I began this blog. 

I am determined to be more consistent at this, share everything that has happened over time, all the changes- SOOO many changes- and the always upside of life. 

Before all of that, though. I am in Nepal. A place I have wanted to be for so very long. It's better than I imagined. The beauty, kindness, generosity, community. 

I am excited to share my adventure with you. 

A 

Rejection and the Christian Duplicity

Rejection- ouch. The memories that never depart. The driving force behind so many choices we make.

I am currently studying rejection from a Biblical/disciple aspect- the kind of study designed to help one understand, define, and overcome. And yet, still, the resonating sting of rejection is apparent daily.

We all want, at our core, to be known and accepted. We want to be vulnerable, transparent, honest- and loved anyway. The worth and value we come to place upon ourselves, and ultimately others, begins at conception- which is also when the battle with rejection begins.

I have lived a lot of life at my age- which I am proud of, for the most part. But reflected in this truth is the acknowledgement of the life I lived trying to be liked and accepted. And that isn't pretty. In dealing with rejection, many behaviors become alarmingly obvious in their glaring attempt to become more liked, loved, fit in...accepted.

For me, those behaviors were sometimes self harming, too. Unhealthy relationships with men I could fix, false friends, needy relatives. Seeking to numb through a drink, working out, keeping busy, even volunteering. Lying, manipulating others, imitating behaviors. Moving- over and over and over. Exhausting, all of it.

Here's what it's supposed to look like, right?

The issue with that is- we are human. Rejection hurts- hell, sometimes we are the objects of intentional harm at the claws and scratches rejection is all about. 

The greatest rejection I have endured in this life has been at the helm of those claiming to care the most: 

• the parent who, as a medical provider, blamed me for the rape I endured 
• the "best friend" who used me up, many times, until he "fell in love", stopped contacting me and-not only did I not get invited to the wedding, I never even met the bride
• the other "best friend" who I cared for unconditionally- even though I did not agree with her Swinger lifestyle- who, in jealousy, falsely accused me of inappropriate behavior and cut me off
• the well respected friend who wasn't right for the position I was offering, and after telling him so, cut off all communication, betrayed my trust and confidence
• the family members who have repeatedly lied to me, taken money and other items, cheered for my failings- yes, delighted in them even, betrayed myself and my children for years on end, and still expect me to "be there" when the need is greatest
• the over decade long abuse, rape, and molestation that was known- and not once stopped.

Just a few of life's greatest ouch moments. Why mention them? A few reasons: the greatest common factor in each of these instances- all of these folks claim to be Christian. All of these instances involve people I trusted with my most treasured life moments, thoughts, successes and failures. And they all reflect the deepest scars I wield. 

Undoing rejection takes so much time and devotion to face it over and over until it's conquered, laid to rest, and the strength intended is gleaned. So simple to type, an Everest effort and obstacle to execute. Yet, it can be done- and should be. On the other side, as with all great adventures, lies the truth and substance we are, in fact, designed for.

Purpose. 

I recently read Open by Andre Agassi and it is filled with his brilliant story of decisions made while under the oppression of fear and rejection. Incredibly powerful, this book. A few quotes knocked my heart and soul into gaping truth and openness:

  "...God isn't anything like your father...God is the opposite of your father. God isn't mad at you all the time. God isn't yelling in your ear, harping on your imperfections. That voice you hear all the time, that angry voice? That's not God."

“Andre, I won't ever try to change you, because I've never tried to change anybody. If I could change somebody, I'd change myself. But I know I can give you structure and a blueprint to achieve what you want. There's a difference between a plow horse and a racehorse. You don;t treat them the same. You hear all this talk about treating people equally, and I'm not sure equal means the same. As far as I'm concerned, you're a racehorse, and I'll always treat you accordingly. I'll be firm, but fair. I'll lead, never push. I'm not one of those people who expresses or articulates feelings very well, but from now on, just know this: It's on, man. It is on. You know what I'm saying? We're in a fight, and you can count on me until the last man is standing. Somewhere up there is a star with your name on it. I might not be able to help you find it, but I've got pretty strong shoulders, and you can stand on my shoulders while you're looking for that star. You hear? For as long as you want. Stand on my shoulders and reach, man. Reach.” 

“Hate brings me to my knees, love gets me on my feet.”

And this quote, of greatest impact:

“Remember this. Hold on to this. This is the only perfection there is, the perfection of helping others. This is the only thing we can do that has any lasting meaning. This is why we're here. To make each other feel safe.” 

In those few quotes I rediscovered the truth I have always carried, buried inside:  God is not man; those who truly care won't change us, but build us up and carry us; love wins; perfection is in doing for others. In that perfection is the defeat, eternally, of all fear and rejection. 

In my hurt, fear, and rejection, I have found and honed my purpose and calling. I have been blessed with a man, initially atheist, who loves me with unrelenting fervor, undoing the "Christian" lies. The truest best friend, Gail Stanforth, has never betrayed me, lied, or hurt me. She's propped me and held my hand when I didn't know that I could hold anything anymore. My family, while not biological, is real, strong, honest, and full of value and worth. My adventure are new, my perspective alive, future bright. 

It is for you, too.

Vulnerability, Self-Compassion, and the Tough Decisions

I have always loved this verse- it's been a prayer of mine for years to fully live and embrace it. And sometimes I do. But lately, I have been struggling, doubting, and my usually unshakeable faith has faltered.

I am a passionate lady- about everything I do.  Especially my boys. I have three boys, 13, 10, 4 and they are bigger than me. They have taught me life, heart work, fun, unconditional living. My two oldest have been enduring unfair, harsh, manipulative times- and it's a battle I decided to engage in. But, this system we have, the one that is supposed to correct and protect, is broken. Very. The result has not been pretty, either. They have had to endure worse times and treatment, tears and doubt. So, in loving my little boys, more than I love myself, I had to decide. What a tough corner to be in. 

I love Brene Brown and her remarkable work Daring Greatly. It's a new look at living in a manner traditionally considered weak. Dr. Brown examines the courage it takes to be vulnerable in this world of hardness, scarcity, and consumption. As I reread it this past week, it struck me the importance of being light to my boys- and trusting both myself as a mom and God as the ultimate source. I cried my way through each chapter, with the ever present knot of truth residing in my chest. 

Ultimately, through the very clear voice of my Father, I made the second toughest decision I have ever had to make- I showed up, vulnerably, and let go. I opened my hands and heart, trusted what I was being told and surrendered the immediate fight- knowing the greater plan would place me clearly back in the fighting arena in His time. Even with this, I struggle. I doubt myself and my choice. The voices in my head are harsh and vulgar. The self-compassion I normally reside in has been absent. It felt as though I was sacrificing my boys, giving up. As I was condemning myself, however, I stumbled across this quote "Sacrifice, in it's original Latin form, means to make sacred or to make holy. When we are fully engaged in parenting, regardless of how imperfect, vulnerable, or messy it is, we are creating something scared." (p238). And with that, I knew it was done. Parenting always means doing and being the best for our kids. It may not look like traditional choices, but it will always look like the best thing for their longterm hope, joy, and growth. 

I am a courageously strong woman, barreling through this world with much to offer, a passion that drives me, and a belief in a greater plan. I am always on the rise- so long as I stay away from shaming and blaming myself, and stop striving for perfection. He is good, my Father, and His promises don't fail. 

If You Talk Louder They Will Understand

I am stubborn. Hard headed. Obdurate. 

The thing about this is it blocks me from hearing and listening to God- and He's really wanting me to do that. In the inordinate amount of strength, perseverance, intelligence, and energy God has gifted me lies both my rock solid determination and my Achilles weakness. 

I am enduring tough times- I'm in a battle for the the greatest beliefs I stand on. It's been a beautiful mixture of humility, truth, emotions, and truth. The most beautiful of all, however, has been God's relentless pursuit of me- He's attention seeking, pursuing, and screaming at me. It's phenomenal. 

The past two days brought the intensity, the stakes were increased. I shut God out, and He was having none of it. Message after message, friends, lovers, acquaintances all bombarded me with the Words I needed to hear- and yet none had a clue. And I finally, I quit running, avoiding and numbing and listened. Man, He's a Force. 

A few messages He sent me: 

Most importantly, though, He sent this message: 

Les Brown writes-

 Forgive yourself and move on. Release the need to rehash, review or relive what you could have, should have or would have done. Instead, be aware of what you learned about yourself.

Look at what the situation showed you that you were unwilling to see. Forgive yourself...despite your choices, actions or inaction and in spite of your lack of knowledge or misplaced trust. There may be consequences and responsibilities that you must face.

Avoidance and denial are poor substitutes for decisive action. Stop swinging at yourself with a super-sized bat. Put it down, pick yourself up, dust yourself off and know this..you will learn to trust yourself again, despite what you may be feeling now. Be gentle on yourself. Choose to be stronger, wiser, more courageous, determined, and committed to living in the present and building a brighter future for yourself. Remember, you have something special. You have GREATNESS within you!!

And suddenly I was awake. See, I have to keep going and not be defeated- because my Truth is- IT IS NOT ABOUT ME. And I forget. We all do, because we are selfish. And human. 

I believe what my call and purpose are, and I believe the resistance is greatest when that is being fulfilled. Since I was a kid I have been a fighter. I am trained in martial arts and kickboxing- and I excel. Nothing is random. There is no coincidence. 

As i have gotten closer, stronger, bolder my fight has increased. And I believe it's how I know I'm doing the right thing. When I seem at my end and limit, I let go and gifts and favor increase. I believe in the power of vulnerability (read this http://www.amazon.com/Daring-Greatly-Courage-Vulnerable-Transforms-ebook/dp/B007P7HRS4) 

I know it's at odds with the world and it's teachings- and it's a bigger driving force for me. Tomorrow is a new day, a day I return to the ver things that make me stronger, healthier, livelier than most. The Way. 

The Challenge in Trusting

The problem with trusting God is the nonstop challenge to trust.