Amends and apologies

If you’re reading this, there’s a strong likelihood I owe you an apology. Before I expound, it’s important for me to me to clarify that this post is not to serve a collective or blanket “I’m sorry.” There is power and directive in face to face acknowledgement of wrongs, the voice of body language and eye contact, and the uninterrupted, raw reception of the impact of my actions. There is also no expectation or foregone conclusion of forgiveness or reconnection. 

I’ve previously spoke and written about the crushing difficulties, abuse, and insecurities that defined my childhood. It’s also no secret that I adopted toxic coping mechanisms and resided too long in false security of lies and secrets. While the affect is long reaching and life altering, it does not serve to justify, excuse, or rationalize the poor treatment and hurt I’ve caused. 

Around ten years ago, give or take, there occurred a slew of traumatic, all encompassing series of events that sent me into a downward spiral and left me a dramatically changed woman. I unexpectedly lost two people I loved fiercely and never mourned properly. I began experiencing debilitating migraines and neurological conditions that had me frequently hospitalized and on medicines with crippling side effects. I lost my very lucrative job and then I lost my house. My best friend was struggling in an abusive, controlling relationship after enduring a divorce from hell. I began experiencing severe anxiety and panic attacks and I stopped sleeping. 

I made a visit to my physician after three days of no sleep and chest pains so severe I thought I was having a heart attack. I was told to increase my therapy visits and prescribed a medicine to reduce my anxiety and aid in my sleep. But it didn’t work. After five days of no sleep, I knew I needed help fast. I got my young boys cared for and began reaching out for help. I grabbed my anxiety meds and phone, sat on my couch and begin making phone calls. I was absolutely exhausted in every manner and was having a hard time connecting with friends. I took a few pills, prayed, and called a close friend out of state. He’s someone who knows me very well, I trust him completely, and knew I could be blatant in sharing my truth with him. What I did not realize in the moment was that I had dumped out the pills and began blindly taking them. As my friend was walking me through some grieving aids, my mind suddenly cleared. I had taken all the pills. I interrupted my caring friend to tell him they were gone. He thought I was talking about my boys and reminded me of where they were and that they were safe. And I told him, as I began floating and feeling unnaturally calm, that it was the medicine I was talking about. We both called 911 and I lost consciousness as medics arrived. 

After being released from the hospital, I made a decision regarding my boys, my youngest in particular, that left me in a pit of shame, anger, fear, and doubt. I trusted someone who I shouldn’t have, I made an agreement I could not take back- and the impact on my son was heartbreaking. 

I quit showing up for life. My solid faith was rocked. I retreated deeper into the dark poison of shame and fear. I would make plans and not show up. The places I was serving and leading were scrambling to fill the major holes I left without care or notice. Not only was I unreliable, I became deceptive because the truth of my actions were not something I could admit to. I could not forgive myself, the other person, or God. I became obsessive, controlling, demanding, drunk, and reactive. And it lasted until recently. I became tired of myself- the victim mentality, the lashing out, the bullshit patterns and day-to-day repetition of behaviors that left me empty and unsatisfied. 

I lost friends and mentors, hurt so many good people, and grew as weary with myself as others had. After suicidal thoughts a year ago, I began pleading with God and desperately seeking wisdom, growth, and change. While I value the experiences and lessons from the past, I refuse to reside there and longer. I have a lot of amends to make, but there are already beautiful changes and grace filled healing. My joy, discipline, and confidence are returning. Through the radical, unconditional love of my husband, my walls  are demolished, trust is winning, my head and heart are no longer veiled. There are remarkable people who have stayed by my side through it all, believing in me, loving me, encouraging me, valuing me. I have goals and purpose again, shared with my husband- my best friend, hero, leader, and partner. Cheers to the future and freedom of love. 

What to Do When You Don't Know What to Do

Regardless of who we are, where we've been, what has been accomplished or failed, politics, gender, class- we all have been served life in larger than bite sized pieces. Life with MS is a path to be negotiated, traveled, and navigated daily. There are no guarantees of feelings, functions, or fortitude. Moving on requires courage, strength, and knowledge of self.  While MS and its unique symptoms may be specific to me, confronting life's daily demands is not. What I've learned can be advantageous to all.

1. Lead with Gratitude. Always.  Gratitude is the ability to experience life as a gift. It opens us up to wonder, delight, and humility. When gratitude leads, cherished memories, unbreakable relationships, inherent joy, and miracles follow. 

2. Know where you aren't willing to compromise. This is something I return to endlessly. Throughout my battles and challenges, I have been obstinate regarding some key things:

• I will not take narcotics, opioids, psychotropics. I long ago decided that I would not risk starting anything that could create dependency. While I sometimes have no choice in the hospital or other critical times, I do not have any of these prescribed, will not continue with a med that is not working, and will not take any substance longer than necessary. My medical team and husband are aware of this and make decisions respectfully. 
• I move every single day: MS is a disease that wants to see me stop. Pain is a part of my daily living. Every day, I must move. I must push. It's tough for my husband to see me at my weakest, he is eager to step in- and I love him dearly for it. When I know I can go and do, albeit with pain, sloth like movements, and the use of walls, tables, furniture, I go to the bathroom, use my phone and computer, get out of bed and into chairs, get downstairs, clean what I'm able to, write as much as possible.

3. DO. NOT. ISOLATE. My history is to isolate myself when I am hurting, depressed, feeling self pity, overwhelmed, or experiencing diminished capacities. I am surrounded by people who love me deeply and unconditionally, and it's been difficult for me to accept that I am not a burden to them. Rather than isolating and going it alone, I allow them to help me when they see me struggling, express my gratitude regularly for who they are.  

4. Be the teacher. By overcoming isolation, I also learned how to teach and guide those closest to help me in things that make me feel more me, more human, and include them on things I love doing. 

• my beauty routine
• art projects
• home renovations
• walking with my devices (below with my walking crutches) 
  

5. Be the student. Life is a beautiful journey filled with adventures. When I learn what my friends and family love, I melt away. Often I'm so wrapped up in learning about them, what they are doing, why, that all my burdens subside. Not only am I building worth into others, I'm seeking newness, allowing adventure to happen, and believing in all the things greater than me being. 

6. Surrender. I'm a God girl through and through. Maybe God isn't your thing, and I respect that- but find your higher power, spirituality, the small still voice- and let go. Allow yourself the relief of relinquishing control. Understanding that I wasn't owed an answer to "WHY" has been a giant freedom. I'm not always going to understand, be able to rationalize, or make sense of everything was a hard pill to swallow, made easier when I relaxed and remembered to breathe. (Because I sometimes forget, my husband bought me this reminder) 

7. Cling tight to what brings joy shamelessly! Mine:

• perfume- scents drive me, calm me, invigorate, and remind me. 
• makeup- I'm a nut for feeling "dressed up" by doing my makeup
• fashion- I adore and applaud the art of fashion. My body has changed, but shoes and clothes are still necessary, and indulging in my unique style is more fun than ever. A great friend of mine once called me a "high class hippy", and it stuck. 
• cooking- this has been difficult to maintain, so I learned new tools and techniques, taught my husband, involved my boys. Not only does it heal my body, it brings us all closer- win/win.
• exercise- while I can't go at the pace and vigor I once had, I still rejoice in what I CAN do and the benefits are never ending

8. Release the toxic. That thing that you are not willing to let go of is exactly why you should. Wine. The toughest choice I had to make was giving it up, so I knew I had to. I love it still, but it's not good for my body that has become severely allergic to it. Being honest about this was not easily accomplished, but valuing my health, mind, body, goals, and search for greater things meant more. I have a few exceptions- annual wine trails my husband and I cherish, our anniversary (which happens to be New Year's), celebrations of loved ones. This allows me deeper appreciation of folks, stronger memories, a more sustained vibrancy, and fewer MS glitches. 

9. Never stop looking forward and setting goals. Previous goals I set are no longer feasible, realistic, or even healthy; new ones, though, are motivating and invigorating. Goals are beneficial our entirety:

• motivation
• finances
• togetherness
• serving
• purpose
• passion
• mental/emotional/physical/spiritual health
• having peace

10. Celebrate!! Life is full of things, big and small, to rejoice in and celebrate- and it's of upmost importance. As a God girl, I remain awestruck at God's call to embrace celebrations. Over and over again He shows us celebrations of all kinds, all sizes, all manners, for all people. What an honor and gift. 

11. Share your story. Everything we experience, endure, overcome, and love is beneficial to others. We are made to share life with others- vulnerably, deeply, emphatically, compassionately. Our journey is unique, with excessive value. 

12. Take care of you so you're able to take care of others. The desire, ability, and need to give back is crucial to our being. We cannot give what we don't have. When you decide to take care of yourself, you recognize the vital first step to all things great. 

13. Love. It's a verb. Love does. Go do, go be. Love wholly, emphatically, without abandon, passionately, totally, recklessly. Let love in. Let love make, break, change, guide, lead, show, grow, develop, move, and define you. 

Everything you've always wanted is on the other side of fear. Go seek and be you. You are a gift, a joy, a delight. 

All Is Calm, All Is Bright

Our quaint 1950’s home is still. Around me, my favorite people, and dogs, sleep- all softly snoring, one coughing on occasion, the dogs cozied in close. 

Just a few hours earlier, it was loud, and silly, and bursting at the seams with life breathing fullness and content. My boys all singing, running, playing with the dogs in the rain, the warm December weather adding to the festive night. 

This Christmas season we are slowing down, breathing deeper, embracing our time together. 

At this time last year our family was not cheery. We were a wounded, scattered, deeply cracked unit, enduring challenges we had never anticipated, with a fear that saturated any hope. It was heavy, each one of us hunched over with burden. Stress sent my body into overdrive followed by shutdown. I had not spoken to my oldest son in close to three months. shellshocked. 

Our family has fought together in learning, growing, being both teachers and students- becoming stronger as individuals and as a team. Peter and I upped our marriage and parenting game-overhauled, in truth. We close this year in awe. We are in awe of our boys- in the energy and drive they put into overcoming unique challenges. In awe of one another- changing for the better, determined to honor our vows and covenant. In awe of fulfilled promises, answered prayers, grace, forgiveness. 

Our simple home- under construction on many fronts- is a beautifully sacred place. It’s the neighborhood hangout, a refuge for friends and family and all they bring. A fortress and sanctuary for hurting hearts and souls- the laughter, tears, screams, confessions, silent big hugs, cacophony of praise, worship, and celebration of all forms. 

The cards will be late this year, we won’t checkin with social media, our calls/texts will be answered with significant delay. Our home is open. Holidays are all kinds of stuff, but should not be spent alone. Food will be plenty, pajamas are the dress code, playing games a must. 

Merry. Bright. 

So many of my stories, experiences, and lessons are all about what not to do. Being strong, driven, and confident-for me- is often marred  by a need for control and demand. UGH.

One of the greatest- and best- exceptions to this is my marriage/husband. 

Less than a year ago we were on the brink of divorce. 

Peter and I met in a CrossFit box. At that place and time in my life I was intentionally single and focused on my kids, my businesses, and my fitness. Peter and I became friends, often workout partners, seeking similar goals. 

And one day. Everything was different. What began as a conversation about the pitfalls, demands, and challenges of dating- and how neither of us wanted to be married and he never wanted kids- ended with us in a relationship, marriage, kids. While it’s simple to type, the journey was anything but. 

Peter was functioning from a place of love, confidence, commitment. I was functioning from hardcore, debilitating fear. He drew closer, I pushed back. I did almost everything to push him away. I simply could not believe that he was real, true, and so honestly good. Nor did I believe, then, that I deserved such love from an incredible man. It was not pretty. 

My best friend saw truth and told me, in bold loving truth and assurance, how obvious it was that Peter was crazy about me and serious about our future. And one day it clicked. 

WE got married. 

Then, shit went haywire and sideways. Quickly we were faced with BIG challenges- custody challenges, my MS diagnosis and rapid decline, Solomon’s ongoing health issues, and more. IT. WAS. HARD. 

While we fought some battles together, Peter bore the brunt of the weight for everything- becoming full time employee, dad, caregiver- everything, really. My illness was made worse when I fell into depression. My husband never relented in his willingness and desire to give, care, and DO all that was necessary. I’m still humbled. 

Earlier this year, after fighting so hard, relearning all basic life skills, endless hospitalizations, therapies, meds, etc, my MS had progressed and began affecting my respiratory system- leading to more complications, doctors, specialists, treatments…and I lost my mind, spirit and will. I began shutting my family out, became self-destructive and suicidal. I won’t go into further detail, but suffice it to say, I gave up and gave in. Peter and I became distanced, lost. And we both were tired, worn out, and communication broke down. We talked of divorce. 

And still. He was there for me for everything, always. Interesting enough, we both spoke to friends and mentors during this time and without fail every person urged us to fight for it. Literally everyone said it was obvious how much we loved, cared for, admired and respected each other. 

After one terrifying day where I held a gun ready to end my life, I made the decision to give myself a year to live. To really focus on my health, my family, to trust God, make changes. 

And here we are. Stronger and closer than ever. Meeting goals. Connecting on every level. Peaceful. Joy filled. Together more than ever. I love this man. He’s everything I wanted and prayed about, but never believed I deserved. It’s good. So, so, good. And I’m grateful. 

Know Where You Begin

Know where you begin

An interesting phenomena of being in the health/fitness/healthcare industries is how few people really know where their bodies are. Folks don’t know their current weight, blood pressure, resting/max heart rates. It’s mandatory to know where you start in order to run the race in its entirety. 

The greatest hurdle is getting on the scale. I know- I really do. I battled eating disorders for many years- I used stand backward on the scale, fearful of it’s disclosure- all #85. I was sick. ON the opposite side of that coin, is my current journey. I’ll spare great detail for an upcoming blog post, but in short order, I went from competitive athlete, crazy active, to bedridden, body nearly shut down. Lack of exercise, medications, hospitalizations, depression, a body in upheaval- I put on weight- a lot of weight. 

I had never, other than pregnancies, been heavier than #130. Even while pregnant I gained only #20-27. And then I got sick. At my heaviest I was #240- double my prior max. It was so tough. And I would consistently make my situation WAY worse. I’d get clearance to workout, get into the gym with all the vigor I could muster, workout like I always had…and then be in bed or the hospital for days. This very sick cycle lasted for years. Honestly, I’m grateful- if surprised- I’m alive. 

The principals I’ve used for clients, friends, family, corporations are being re-instilled in self. The foundational guidelines I use in re-establishing lives and communities are reseeded in the soil of my life. 

I once again know where I begin. I know all my vitals. I know, more accurately, I accept my limitations. I am kinder, gentler, more soft and loving to myself- in all respects. I’m blessed with folks who lift me up, walk the journey beside me, believe in me, and help my remember how far I’ve come. 

Keys to success: the desire to begin is all you need to get started; consistency is key, write you stuff down!, a goal is a dream with a deadline- make goals using S.M.A.R.T. method (specific, measurable, achievable, relevant, time bound). 

Start small. Start simple. Writing down part of your day can be difficult to begin, but it becomes invaluable in truly seeing your progression when you can’t feel it. Sometimes I just write a few words- how long I walked, what I was feeling that day, what I ate, WHY I ate- very eyeopening in the food/emotion relationship. I only get on the scale once a week- usually at the doctor due to the frequency of my visits.  

I started small and now implement disciplines. I write more frequently now- not just this journey, but life overall. I take no day for granted. Living fully and living alive are overwhelmingly exciting again. I’m grateful. 

This is mostly about you taking care of you because you’re important. You are needed here on this Earth. Your value is immeasurable. Your story matters, and it will change the life of someone else. <3 

What Other People Think About You is None of Your Business

OOOOOF!! Kinda like a kick in the gut, yeah? But, really, it's the truth.
From my own experience I can tell you all too often the words and opinions of others hold too much import in our thoughts and beliefs of self. Frequently to our detriment.
We are made to connect, to have community, to live life with others. It's human to want to be liked and needed-but not everyone is going to like us, or want us, or need us (and is they do, there's something amiss).
People are tricky- they're human after all. We are all guilty of thoughtless words, actions, behaviors, etc, because WE are human, after all.
However...
If you are like me, human things can quickly turn to poison. I absorbed these into the cracks of my brokenness, creating a toxicity in my being, my soul. Festering, spilling over into already open raw wounds.
When I began to believe what others (who knew little or nothing about me) said, my behavior and identity began to change. Scar tissue was yanked off, old haunts refreshed.
Rejection. Abandonment. Insecurity. The monsters we all have inside triggered fear and feelings of inadequacy. yuck.
We all have bits of monster in us- a monster who has a beautiful heart and longs to be accepted and loved. Inside every person a bit of monster lingers- fearful that if others see the ALL of us certain aspects will not be accepted. And as so often happens, that tiny part that is rejected builds into bitterness, leading to an ugliness inside and out.
I stopped responding in kindness, building walls that blocked the light of bravery. And because my face hides nothing, my true feelings were exposed-fear, hurt, bitterness. The truth is no one-not even me- wanted (wants) to take that weight on. In trying to protect myself, I succeeded in repelling many people. This, in turn, began an exhausting cycle of believing lies about myself.
There's a song I love that expresses this much better. A line I relate to is this: "If I could let go, then I could change the world, but I can't stop always tearing myself down."(Blue October- Break Ground)     The most exhausting, destructive cycle. Top this with illness, a strong body breaking down, becoming bedridden...ugh
This truth remains:

And I live a life surrounded by these people. People who KNOW me, and love me anyway. They've seen the monster inside- me and themselves- and choose to love it, and me, and themselves. And they stay- with me, beside me- some since elementary school. How spectacular?!?!?!
I am grateful, beautiful, strong, loved, wanted, accepted. By them. By me.
Through it all, this guy wanted forever- with ME: 

                                                                                             

You are beautiful, worthy of love- receiving and giving. 

Choosing to Live. Choosing to Change

Not too long ago I sat in the most profound darkness I'd ever encountered. The bottom. The mire. I could not see. I could only hear the shrillness of lies. I was giving up.

I had a gun in my mouth, ready to end the hurt, emptiness, fear. On my third go-round, I pictured my son, who's already had so much to overcome at only eight, finding me dead and I knew I couldn't go this way. For the first time I cried.

I've been in pain. My diagnosis was downgraded. Scary things were happening in my body that I could not control. I spent over a month in bed. I've battled greatly with this disease- first in total denial, then pushing too hard and not bouncing back, on to a numbing phase, to suicidal tendencies, and finally to this place.

I decided to live. To make drastic changes. Allowing myself a year- to focus, to eliminate chaos with discipline, to write/blog/journal my prayers/experiences/journey, to share with others- shifting and directing my life into an adventure of an intentional, passionate, directed life as I'd never done before.

Beginning today, September 1, rules have been revised, goals have been rewritten, hope renewed, determination, trust, worth dusted off, made shiny again.

A year. to heal my body, mend relationships, surrender to God-hand it all over, dig into my marriage and the vows we spoke, build passionately into my calling and legacy. A year of walking into fear, of faithful living like I've not fully engaged in before. A year to document thoughts, actions, outcomes, results, accomplishments. A year of freedom.

Showing up. Being mom and wife. Discipline resolves chaos. Integrity. My word. New ID. Hanging on to the past. Daily workout. Wahl protocol.